Hard knock life: Tracking young Jordan through the snows of Montana

I'm beginning to feel like Little Orphan Annie these days. Or perhaps Oliver Twist. All I want to do is find out if a "behavior modification" school in Montana (where my daughter's friend "Jordan" has currently been sent to) is yet another snake pit boot camp or is actually on the up-and-up. But finding out ANYTHING about this sort of program for "troubled teens" is like trying to track down Fagin in a Charles Dickens novel. Or the Artful Dodger. These programs play their cards really close to the chest and don't want anyone to know what goes on inside them.

I know for a fact that Jordan is at Monarch School because he snuck in a phone call to us last October while being transported there from another "behavior modification" camp in the Utah desert. But Monarch School steadfastly denies that Jordan is there -- and they certainly aren't volunteering to let us speak with him. Despite all the wonderful descriptions of their program that one finds on Monarch's website, that's not a good sign.

So. Here's my question: Is this place the paradise that they describe or is it another New York City Municipal Orphanage run by Miss Hannigan?

As Daddy Warbucks learned the hard way, it's a good idea to be wary of behavior modification institutions where a child is not allowed to communicate with anyone. (If for no other reason than that Jordan might sign an Emancipated Minor form and Monarch would be out $4,000 a month! Fagin and Daddy Warbucks should take note -- these behavior modification programs are Big Business!)

According to Jordan Riak of Project No-Spank, there are several things that "should be absolutely avoided" by successful behavior modification programs. Among these are when:

---Parents are required to sign a "contract" that transfers to the school extraordinary rights over the child. The primary purpose of this requirement is to create the illusion that the school's authority over the child is absolute.

---Children do not have free access to a telephone. Periodic telephone conversations between parent and child are rigidly scheduled and are monitored by the school staff. Mail to and from the child is screened.

---The usual holiday visits home, e.g., Christmas and Thanksgiving, are not permitted.

---Parents are not allowed to drop in at the school for an unannounced visit.

Okay. Forget about Little Orphan Annie. Forget about Oliver Twist. Now we are going to become Sherlock Holmes!

While Sleuthing around for information about Monarch School, this is what I discovered:

---Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education (PTAVE) checked with their nationwide network of educational professionals regarding Monarch School. PTAVE's resultant report to me listed various Monarch School staff members' connections with Rocky Mountain Academy, which, according to Idaho court records, has been sued by many parents, including for one incident where a child was forced to dig his own grave, crawl into a coffin and be buried alive. Eeeuuu.

---The Montana Office of Public Instruction has no listing for Monarch School, either as an accredited or non-accredited school or as a home schooling facility.

---According to a Sanders County librarian, government supervision of private schools in Montana is almost non-existent. "Any human being can start a private school here with no training whatsoever. Private schools are not regulated."

---The Sanders County Sheriffs' Department informed me there had been several instances where the department has been called out to help search for runaways.

---The child protective services of western Montana said there are 36 such unregulated schools in the state. They also told me that every child had to be in a school and if Monarch wasn't listed as a school, this might be grounds for removing Jordan from there.

---I talked with a representative of the Montana CASA program and she stated that CASA is working hard to develop legislation where there will be licensing requirements for behavior modification facilities in Montana. Currently there are none.

---The Montana child abuse hotline informed me that they do not do "welfare checks" on behavior modification schools and referred me to the licensing bureau. I am waiting for them to get back to me.

---The Sanders County district attorney's office said that no lawsuits have been filed against Monarch School and that, in this case, no news is good news -- but that in many cases, schools that are shut down in Idaho for child safety violations simply move across the border and open for business again in Montana.

---Monarch School has sent children to perform public service at the Camphill Community in Copake, NY. The Camphill Community gave Monarch School a good report.

---The Sanders County job hotline lists five teaching/supervisory positions available in Heron, MT. They gave Monarch School a good report also, stating that teachers at Monarch were required to have a college degree and the children appeared to be well-treated.

---The Fourteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution outlaws "involuntary servitude" for everyone in the United States -- except children.

Because my sources reported such a wide spectrum of possibilities regarding the quality of education at Monarch School, I think you will understand that, as a decent human being, a Christian, an advocate for children and a friend of Jordan's, I would be remiss if I did not try to follow through and find out what Jordan's true situation is.

Okay. Forget about Sherlock Holmes. Now we get to play at being Jack London! In order to find out if "Jordan" is REALLY okay, I have contacted Monarch School and requested a tour of the facility. But what if it's 30 degrees below zero in Montana! Talk about your "Call of the Wild." Saddle up the sled dogs, Jack! Iditarod, here we come!

Does anybody out there know anything about Monarch School?

Does anybody out there have any snow shoes?

Buddhist, Muslim, Christian and Jew: Good job, God!

"The Nicaean Creed says Jesus was born, He was crucified and He was resurrected," someone just pointed out to me. "But no one mentions what He was doing during all those years in between." So. Matthew and Luke weren't good investigative reporters after all?

I love religion. I love the fact that so many decent human beings -- even while their leaders wallow in the mud of war -- reach out for something better; that we have systems of beliefs based on the spirituality of our souls; that Man is basically good -- or at least redeemable. That's deep.

"I think Jesus went to India during His missing years and while He was there, he studied Buddhism." That would explain where He got all that "turn the other cheek" stuff. Plus Jesus was a rabbi. He got that from the Jews.

Then Mohammed came along and learned from Jesus and the Jews. That means four of the world's great religions have the same roots. Good job, God!

Knowing that all four religions advocate peace on earth -- and anybody who says otherwise needs to be sent back to Sunday (or Friday) school -- I have developed the hair-brained scheme that if I only honor and practice all four religions -- going on sort of a religious job interview -- I can help bring about world peace.

I was born a Christian. In the 1970s I became a Buddhist, a Muslim and a Jew. "How'd you do that?" It was easy. I was an idealist. I wanted to know God. I wanted to do good.

So. I have my job resume. I have my dress clothes. I'm all set for my interview. Here's the job description: To make it my life-long occupation to go on a holy pilgrimage to the heart of four of the world's greatest religions: To go to Rome and Jerusalem and Tibet and Bethlehem and Mecca. And to pray for peace and love and understanding for our poor be-leaguered world.

You should too.

****

Next stop, Mecca! The Hajj happens once a year when millions of pilgrims from all around the world go to this holy place. This year the Hajj will be from December 30, 2005 to January 1, 2006. I plan to be there! Anybody got an extra ticket?

Did you know there is a Mecca Hilton? Yep. $64 a night.

No Free Lunch Part 2: Re-writing the Bible for fun & profit

I love Motel 6.

Driving back from Los Angeles last week on the I-5 at 1 am, I had cruise control set for 80 miles per hour and fell asleep at the wheel. "Aggrrgh!" screamed my daughter, thoughtfully helping me to avoid a fiery death. We immediately stopped at the nearest gas station and stocked up on coffee and chocolate but it was no use. 100 miles later, I was nodding off again.

Out in the middle of nowhere, we found a Motel 6. We got a room. And THEN the coffee and chocolate finally kicked in. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 3 am, I started to read the Gideon Bible. Luke. Chapter 6. "Blessed are you poor, for yours is the Kingdom of God."

Not according to cheap-labor Republicans!

In the latest version of the neo-con Bible just hot off the press, Luke 6:20 has been re-translated. It now reads, "Happy are the poor." Happy? Blessed, yes -- but HAPPY? That's not Jesus. That's Wall Street talk! That's nostalgia for Stephen Foster and the days of the kindly Massah and the Ol' Plantation.

According to Time Magazine, if you make over $100,000 a year, you are happy 88% of the time. If you make under $35,000 a year, you are only happy 68% of the time. Statistically, the rich are 20% happier!

Bush and Rove and Rumsfeld are 20% happier than you and me. And why shouldn't they be? It's hard work being poor. No cruise control for us.

Cheap-labor Republicans have cooked up a lot of wild schemes to steal our paychecks in the past few years but this one is crazy. Re-writing the Bible?

And in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has obviously Seen the Light and taken this new Bible to heart. When the owners of San Francisco's Cheesecake Factory restaurant decreed that their employees were no longer allowed a lunch break, Arnie jumped right in to help management out by trying to pass legislation to back the bosses up. Is a lunch break now "optional" in California? If Arnie has his way? YES.

Would YOU be happy to work eight hours a day at a sweatshop job with no break for lunch? According to cheap-labor Republicans, the answer is yes. How do they know? "The Bible tells us so."

PS, according to Time Magazine, if you make under $10,000 a year, your chances for happiness are zilch.

Barricaded in the White House, GWB discovers that Election Fraud is still the issue...

Can you imagine George Washington's inaugural parade? Bet he didn't have a whole battalion of snipers on the roofs of the parade route to protect him from irate citizens! Bet he didn't have to wear a bullet-proof vest because he was terrified of American voters. Bet he didn't have to pay 2,500 troops and officers from 70 police departments to keep hundreds of thousands of unhappy citizens subdued.

I bet that George Washington didn't have to cancel tours of the presidential residence because he was afraid of American tourists.

We've come a long way, Dubya!

No matter what the Republicans tell us or who they claim is the president, it is obvious to the average US citizen that Bush is NOT popular here -- and election fraud is still the issue.

Speaking of election fraud, I had lunch the other day with an expert on voting machines. "Diebold and ES&S used several techniques to steal the election, " he said, "but the most obvious one was the use of batteries. How can Americans put a man on the moon yet not be able to invent a battery that lasts more than six hours?" Huh?

"According to this ES&S brochure, their voting machine batteries need to be changed every six hours. This is really convenient. It means that ES&S technicians are required to come in and fiddle with the machines."

Why after six hours? "If the votes are tampered with earlier, it won't look realistic. With 8% more Democrats in America than Republicans, a landslide would look suspicious. So the votes must be tampered with AFTER a certain amount of votes have already been cast. It was easy to doctor three million votes. They just turned a switch at the end of six hours." Interesting. Where was the Energizer Bunny when we needed him?

The expert showed me the ES&S brochure. It read, "Up to six hours of continuous precinct counter operation is delivered by a maintenance-free, sealed battery charged by an internal power supply." Makes it sound really good, doesn't it?

Then the expert pulled out some statistics. You can't be a REAL expert without statistics. "In Florida, 1,845,866 voters were registered as Republicans and 1,982,210 were registered as Democrats." And yet Bush won? Yeah right.

"But here's how you can prove that the crime actually happened. The expected Republican vote was 1,337,242. The actual vote was 1,950,213. The expected Democratic vote was 1,432,425. Their actual vote was 1,445,675. How come the Democratic estimate was essentially correct but the Republican estimate was some 600,000 votes wrong?" How can you explain this, given the data? "Even with issues like abortion and gay marriage thrown in, it doesn't explain the discrepancy."

The expert and I finished our lunch. It was a great lunch. Broiled tuna and lamb meatballs and date and almond ice cream. Lunch was finished. But election fraud continues. And Bush knows about it. He knows he did wrong. How does he know? If HE ever wanted to go to a restaurant or even run down to the 7-11 for ice cream, he couldn't. Not without a panzer division to protect him. Because a whole bunch of Americans know that their votes were stolen and they are angry about it.

And true Americans are NOT about to give George Bush a free lunch.

I was going to give all y'all -- and myself too -- a short break from all my Cassandra-ish e-mails. But Condoleeza Rice just announced that it would be nice if Venezuela's democratically-elected government was overthrown and George Bush just announced that an invasion of Iran is actually in the planning stage -- so I'm back at it again. Shut up, Condi. Shut up, George!

Fear Factor: Why Americans are cowards & Iraqis are not

The other day, I was overwhelmed with terror. A huge pit bull came charging right at me, fangs on Code Red and foaming at the mouth. Every other thought and/or emotion immediately vacated my mind and all that was left to dominate my brain was complete and absolute FEAR! I wasn't thinking about ANYTHING else except how to save myself.

When one is in the throes of fear, all rational thought is liquidated. Trust me on that one.

And you can also trust that Republicans are aware that most people think that way too. Republican leaders have learned early on that they can manipulate us Americans into doing almost anything by scaring us and keeping us scared. When you are thinking about terrorists and dirty bombs and WMDs coming around the corner of Main Street 24/7, you don't have TIME to sit down and rationally think about anything else!

The Republican motto? "Find out what scares Americans most -- terrorists or gays or the UN or flu shots or whatever -- and keep that Fear Factor up!"

With election fraud, mass embezzlement, moral bankruptcy, the great Social Security heist and Lord knows what else coming out of the White House these days, however, America is being threatened most by our very own government. And are Americans protesting this true and eminent danger and trying to protect themselves? Hell no. They are cowering in their SUVs, utterly terrified that if they did protest, they might break a nail.

Americans are also terrified that if they were to stand up to the neo-cons' glaring violations of our wonderful Constitution, they might lose their middle-class life style. "Oh, please!" they keep begging George Bush, "take away our democracy! Take away our human rights! Just don't let us be poor!" Too late for that. The middle-class lifestyle is already on the way out. 5% of America already owns 95% of the wealth. Another two years of this trend and we will all be homeless and/or working in sweat shops.

Benito Mussolini once said, "Fascism should more properly be called corporatism, since it is the merger of state and corporate power." Mussolini also promised prosperity to the Italian people. And what they got instead was grinding poverty and World War II.

Speaking of World War II, remember back then when Americans supported rationing and victory gardens in order to fight Fascism? Can you even IMAGINE us doing that now? Au contraire! Today Americans are crawling all over themselves to sacrifice education and jobs and honest elections so that corporate execs can drive BMWs.

Would Americans today be brave enough to sacrifice anything for freedom and democracy? Ha!

For right or wrong, Iraqis are fighting with all their hearts and souls to save their country from American occupation. For right or wrong, Iraqis are putting their lives on the line to stop being sacked and gutted and occupied by American corporations.

It's time for Americans to do this too.

It's time for Americans to stop being cowards, stop pooping their pants at the thought of losing their right to be up to their eyeballs in debt and start defending their country too. With fear completely taking over our minds and our rational thought, we are indeed a sorry sight. It's time for Americans to stop being lap dogs and turn into pit bulls.

George Bush just announced that he is about to bring "democracy" to Iran -- the same way that he brought it to Iraq. How do you think that he plans to terrify America into swallowing THAT? Here's an hint, George. "What scares ME most is that there is a mad dog in the White House and he about to go on the attack again and is foaming at the mouth."

It's time for Americans to stop shaking in their boots and get rid of these mad dogs in Washington before we learn the hard way what will REALLY scare us: Hydrophobia is deadly. And it is contagious too.

****

From me: Iraq is occupied by American corporations. Using American soldiers as cats-paws, these corporations have taken over the infrastructure of Iraq. Every man, woman and child in that country is fighting back with everything they've got -- and they are fighting election fraud too!

America is occupied by American corporations. Using our neo-con-Congress as cats-paws, these corporations have taken over the infrastructure of America -- and even sent most of it offshore -- yet here on OUR sacred shores, NOBODY is fighting back (and almost nobody -- outside of heroic and wonderful Berkeley! -- is fighting election fraud either.)

Behavior modification schools: What does it mean when a kid can't call home?

As most of you know, I am always just on the brink of thinking that young "Jordan" is happy and being well-treated at Monarch School, a "Behavior Modification" group home in the far-away mountains of Montana. Then I start to thinking, "If he's so happy there and it is such a wonderful place, then why isn't he allowed to talk to anyone? At $4,000 a month tuition, the boy should at LEAST be allowed the cost of an occasional postage stamp!"

So I asked Jordan Riak, the director of PTAVE (Parents and Teachers against Violence in Education) to get on the grapevine and see what he could find. And now I'm back to being scared for Jordan all over again!

When you go to their website, the school sounds wonderful:

School for struggling teens: The Monarch School in Heron, Montana Educational Program for life. The Monarch School located in Heron, Montana is a coeducational, residential school emphasizing the creative arts. ... www.monarchschool.com/
Heron, Montana is home to Monarch School... Monarch School. PO Box 410 • Heron, MT 59844 For more information call toll free(877) 955-2232 (406) 847-5095 Fax (406) 847-5014 email: generalinfo ... www.monarchschool.com/campus_setting.html - 6k -

Jordan Riak wrote:

Jane, this just arrived.

Jordan Riak, Exec. Dir., Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education (PTAVE), P.O. Box 1033, Alamo, CA 94507-7033. Web site: "Project NoSpank" at www.nospank.net Telephone: (925) 831-1661

The founder of Monarch, Patrick McKenna, is a graduate of Rocky Mountain Academy, which is a CEDU program; Monarch's Admissions Director, Ranel Hanson, worked for Rocky Mountain Academy for six years and then joined SUWS. (Info pertaining to CEDU & SUWS are at the very end.)

Here are the 'connective' links for Monarch School showing that staffers do have past affiliations with CEDU and SUWS programs, followed by a link to posts concerning Monarch, that includes these comments,

"Unbelievable!!!! Monarch School in Heron Montana needs to know that Jane Habermann and Steve Rookey are BAD EGGS. They should not be around children!...I'm surprised Tim Earle has any brain cells left. ...Did you notice in their bios, at Monarch School, that they do not mention CEDU at all. That speaks a thousand words as far as I'm concerned. ...It is very important that Monarch School be watched for a repeat of CEDU programs. "

Monarch SchoolBoarding Schools in Idaho
Contact Person:Ranel HansonPhone Number:(877) 955-2232
http://www.strugglingteens.com/archives/1994/10/news06.html (1994 info)
SUWS ADOLESCENT PROGRAMby: Ranel HansonSandpoint, Idaho208-265-4616
(Ranel Hanson was the Director of Admissions for Rocky Mountain Academy for six years, and recently joined SUWS as Director of Enrollment Services. Her job is to work with referring professionals as well as to oversee the SUWS Admissions department.)

Academic Director, Ron Mendenhall, explained, “creative arts are the backbone of the program.” This emphasis has resulted from Patrick McKenna and Tim Earle’s experience of the therapeutic value of the expressive arts. They understand the important role the creative process plays in building and living one’s dream, lessons Patrick feels he learned on the road to becoming the first Rocky Mountain Academy graduate. During this early education Patrick progressed from behaviors that would preclude his enrollment at Monarch School, to learning the discipline, accountability and communication skills that enabled him to inspire the creation of Monarch School.
http://www.rockymtnacademy.com/about/history.shtml

In 1982, Rocky Mountain Academy was established as the first CEDU emotional growth boarding school in Idaho.
http://64.233.179.104/search?q=cache:lMLadM_CBJ0J:www.sandpoint.com/NewsArticle.asp%3FCMD%3DDetail%26ID%3D2645+%22Patrick+McKenna%22+monarch&hl=en

Suits allege abuse at two schools
Private CEDU academies treat troubled teens
Kevin Taylor, Staff writer, October 29, 2004

More than two dozen parents and former students at Rocky Mountain Academy and Boulder Creek Academy - two expensive private schools for troubled teens - have filed four lawsuits claiming a pattern of neglect and abuse inflicted upon kids by staff or by other students running out of staffers' control.

The four lawsuits can be grouped into two categories, Todd Reed, attorney for the plaintiffs, said Thursday. Two of the suits recount allegations of misconduct and breach-of-contract issues from Boulder Creek Academy near Bonners Ferry in the mid- to late-1990s; the others concern students more recently enrolled at Rocky Mountain Academy, which is near Naples, Idaho. Boulder Creek typically houses 70 students. Rocky Mountain, which typically enrolls nearly 40 students, currently has 30.

Among the allegations listed in the lawsuits filed at the Bonner County Courthouse in Sandpoint:
--

One boy was forced to dig a grave, crawl into a coffin in the grave and have dirt thrown on it by staff.
--
A girl was called "fatty" by staff even as she was being counseled by other staffers for bulimia.
--
Another girl was called a "whore" and forced by staffers to wear a derisive sign advertising oral sex.

Another suit alleges a student at RMA was hazed, beaten and insulted constantly and with impunity by other students because staffers were not in the dormitories and didn't seem to care enough to stop the beatings when they did find out. ...

CEDU is no stranger to such lawsuits. In November 2002, the company paid a $300,000 settlement to two former students who had alleged CEDU hired poorly trained, abusive staff. The students said the situation was what led to a student riot at Rocky Mountain Academy in 1997. Five students and staffers were injured in the riot. Reed said a second lawsuit against CEDU in North Idaho also was settled, but the amount of the award has been sealed....

According to the SUWS info pages - at the bottom of the pages - SUWS is amember of the ASPEN EDUCATION GROUP. Here's a link to one of the pages:http://www.suws.com/success.html Here's the main page for Aspen Education - with links concerning their MANY MANY programs: http://www.aspeneducation.com/ Here is a link to some posts at FORNITS board concerning Aspen programs:http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?forum=14&topic=6233

FORNITS BOARD POSTINGS concerning MONARCH:
http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?topic=6505&forum=11&start=20

GIVING THE SHRUB THE ULTIMATE SNUB: Turn off your TV on January 20 (and keep it off too)

I'm tired of being an e-mail guerrilla in the media wars!

While George Bush spends billions of dollars on advertising himself as a hero using high-tech equipment that would make any self-respecting geek's mouth water to push his defective product down America's throat, I run a jankity one-woman operation on a computer I bought used three years ago with ANTS on my keyboard while sitting in a tiny unheated cubby off of my living room that my landlord jokingly referred to as a "Dining Nook".

In between cooking dinner, occasionally interacting with my family if they're lucky, going to work and watching reality shows (Go Missy Elliott!), I try and try and try to point out to America that we are being LIED TO.

There is only one of me. There are 280 million of you. This is a daunting task. But, dag nab it, what else am I supposed to do? Bush and his corporate welfare queens are gobbling OUR country alive. Am I supposed to sit back and watch?

Bush is our poster boy. The media tells us so. But like Thomas Jefferson said, "When the Government fears the People, there is Liberty: but when the People fear the Government, there is tyranny." Are Bush and his corporate welfare queens afraid of Americans? Ha!

It's time for Americans to stop being cowards.

On January 20, overcome your fear factor, guys. Turn your television off and KEEP IT OFF. (Except of course for Wednesdays at 8 pm on UPN).

George Bush the Actor: Understanding the disconnect between what we see and what we get

For years now, I've been waiting for George Bush to hesitate, to show some shame or remorse.

"We have brought freedom and democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq," says George. I keep waiting for him to break down and cry at the tragic untruth of this statement -- or even to laugh at this joke -- but he never does. Could he be a male Stepford Wife?

Half the nation hates George Bush -- yet on TV, he is perky, actually perky. He's like a political version of June Cleaver! How can a man bomb 10,000 civilians one day and glad-hand church ladies the next? How does he do it?

He's an actor.

Here's an example: Bush gets up in front of the TV cameras and badmouths frivolous lawsuits. AND he sues a rental car company for damages in one of his daughters' fender-bender where no one was hurt. Can't he see the contradiction?

Example two: He speaks to America about "Clean Air" but the reality is that America's air is now polluted, putrefied and cancerous thanks to George Bush.

Example three: "Our economy is booming!" sez George, just as the value of the dollar drops through the basement floor.

Example four: Bush gets in front of the cameras and plays the role of President like he is the star of West Wing or something but, in actuality, unimpeachable documentation in New Mexico, Florida, Ohio, etc. shows that Bush only "won" the 2004 election by use of massive vote fraud. Plus accurate exit polls clearly indicate that Kerry won.

How does Bush keep up this charade? How does he live with himself? Easy. He is an actor. Leonardo DiCaprio, in real life, is NOT Howard Hughes. He hangs up that persona when he walks off the set. It's the same with George Bush.

When we watch Bush glad-handing women and children on TV -- and Karl Rove makes sure that we see this benign image 24/7 (You can't even turn on the TV and not see Big Brother George) -- and then wonder at the terrible disconnect between what we see and what we get, please remember that our George is an actor.

Like when O.J. Simpson was the kindly spokesperson for Hertz rent-a-car, Bush is now the kindly spokesperson for America. And, like Simpson, Americans have found Bush "not guilty" of what he does off-camera.

With George Bush, reality doesn't matter. It's all an act.

PS: Sometimes I think that having to watch Bush on TV 24/7 is Karl Rove's way of torturing American dissidents. And his diabolical plan is working too! You want me to confess to supporting the Bill of Rights or being fond of the Sixth Commandment? I'll talk! "Ask me anything! I'll name names! Only, please! No more George Bush!"

Help help help! I hate housecleaning! And you do too.

I got up this morning, took one look at the piles of junk in my room and went back to bed.

I hate housework. Avoiding housework has become an addiction for me. A friend just told me, "Jane, when it comes to cleaning house, you are like a deer in the headlights or one of those mummies in an Egyptian tomb." Paralyzed? Frozen? Immobile? "Exactly."

Why is it that I feel like I'm only safe and all those useless knickknacks won't attack me if only I just don't move? There are obviously deep psychological motivations behind my inability to clean house. Leave me alone!

What if I set a timer and threw out a half-hour's worth of junk a day? Five years ago, that would have worked. But now that I'm 62, I can't live long enough to perform this Herculean task and throw out all that junk unless I live longer than Methuselah.

What if I flipped a coin over every object in this mausoleum and threw out every item that got a heads-up? I'd have carpel tunnel syndrome before I could even clean one room.

What if I just blew up the house? Then I would have no place to live.

There are lots of things I could do to get rid of all this junk. The point is that I'm frozen in amber here. I cannot move. I'm overwhelmed. "Help help help!" The Aegean stables have defeated me. How can I clean all this mess out?

"You need shock treatment," said my friend. "Or try a gallon of Starbucks." Eeeeuuu! I wanna clean my house not ruin my kidneys and sell my soul.

"Hire a maid." And rob a bank first? Yeah, like that's do-able.

My only consolation is that I'm not the only one frozen numb by housework, I'm not the only one having trouble getting motivated to clean my home. The American people are having trouble cleaning out that rats' nest in Washington too. Sure they hired a maid to do it but the agency sent over George Bush and he is stealing all the silver. That's not good housecleaning! That's theft!

I too could leave the locks off my doors and hope that a burglar would come waltzing through. But a burglar won't sort out the closets, clean the toilets or vacuum the stairs. He'll only make off with what is most valuable -- like, for instance our tax money or Social Security stash -- and leave someone else to take the garbage out.

If anyone wants to come and help throw stuff out in Berkeley, e-mail me at jpstillwater@yahoo.com.

If anyone wants to come and help throw stuff out in Washington, e-mail the Government Accountability Office at fraudnet@gao.gov. Tell them to bring a large broom -- and an orange jump suit too.

Imagine if Bush -- instead of Eisenhower -- had supervised D-Day

I'm laughing so hard as I write this, I don't even know where to start! I'm sorry but it IS funny. Can you even BEGIN to imagine Dubya ever replacing Ike?

First, let's go back to before World War II even started (This part is NOT funny): Like Rumsfeld selling missiles to Saddam Hussein, Bush would have kept Hitler supplied with American-made WMDs for over a decade before even Dunkirk.

Like when North Korea BROADCAST far and wide that it had nuclear capabilities and knew how to use them but Bush invaded Iraq instead, our Dubya would have forgotten about Germany and invaded Argentina! "Hey, we need their beef."

"Hitler, is our target, boy," General Eisenhower told him. "H-I-T-L-E-R." But you couldn't tell GWB anything. Instead of Dresden, he fire-bombed New York City.

"Okay, okay." Ike drew a really BIG map with a big X on Normandy. "You pronounce this place EU-ROPE," he told young George.

"I knew that. Karl Rove told me."

FINALLY, George bombed the hell out of Omaha Beach. But then he got bad information from the CIA, forgot to chase the Nazis and started killing off the French. "Hey, they looked like terrorists to me!" After 50,000 French women were blown up, however, the GIs mutinied.

"Ike, the soldiers hate me," Bush whined. "They wanna fight Nazis -- not the French Resistance. They're all mad because we blew up Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer."

And instead of bombing Hitler's bunker in Berlin, Bush consistently ignored all warnings and allowed Hitler to blow up the Pentagon!

Ike supported the Marshall Plan to get Europe back on its feet. Dubya supported the Dachau Plan to torture Iraqis in Abu Ghraib.

So. How did "Dubya's Dubious D-Day Disaster" finally turn out? Guess.

Due to voting machine glitches, George Bush was still "Commander in Chief" 50 years later and US troops were still fighting in France (they never even got to Germany).

In addition, General Eisenhower would have had the intelligencc to recognize who America's REAL enemy is -- and it's not some poor schmucks in France, Germany, North Korea, Palestine or even Iraq. It's FASCISM -- as defined by Benito Mussolini himself. "Fascism should rightly be called Corporatism as it is a merge of state and corporate power."

Eisenhower went on to say, "In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist." Our Ike was nobody's fool!

What would Eisenhower do if he was in charge today? The FIRST thing he would do would be to throw Bush in the stockade for corruption, incompetence, insubordination, wreckless endangerment of US troops and going AWOL!