Friday, March 30, 2007

A review of the US troop chow hall in Kuwait: Would Michelin give it three stars?

I'm currently at an unnamed US airbase in Kuwait and getting ready to fly out to Baghdad tonight.. But first things first. I mean visiting combat zones is nice and all that but..did your mother teach you ANYTHING? Nothing is more important than food! First let's talk about food.

My first impression upon walking into the airbase commissary tent was, "Wow!" They handed me a plate and then served me one-fourth of a chicken, broccoli, mashed potatoes and green beans. High-end cafeteria food but tasty and lots of it. I heaped up on that. Then I noticed the salad bar. Mama, I'm home! Vitamins. High fiber. Anti-oxidants. Fruit. Eat your vegetables, troops!

Then I discovered the salad bar. And the coffee bar. And the juice bar. And the soda bar and the cold bottled water. "But Jane," I asked myself. "What about dessert?"

Chocolate pudding and ice cream bars. Not Chez Panisse or nothing but good. And the ambiance was great. For an Army canteen, it was like Better Homes and Gardens -- red table cloths and silken flowers tastefully arranged in ceramic vases. Plus lots of really hot dudes dressed in khaki and camo walking around with automatic weapons slung over their shoulders.

I was about to give this place a whole bunch of Michelin stars for sure -- but when I finally sat down at my tastefully-decorated table and started to eat, I discovered that every wall in the chow hall had at least two giant plasma TVs nailed up next to the air conditioners and every single one of them was turned to Fox News! Eeuuww.

Watching Bill O'Reilly interviewing some lady from the Heritage Foundation while eating? That's just gross! Two big thumbs down.

But then the place almost kinda redeemed itself because when I was about to walk out, I noticed that I had missed something hidden over by the exit door -- the dessert bar! Four flavors of cheesecake, tubs full of all kinds of ice cream, a frozen smoothie machine including toppings and cones, three kinds of chocolate cake and my all-time favorite -- PUMPKIN PIE! Dump that loser O'Reilly and this place would definitely get two thumbs up from me!