Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Re: Angry Yuppies storm Ariel Sharon compound in search of Extra Virgin olive oil

Stylishly turned out in matching Versace camoflague fatigues and Gucci wingtips, angry Yuppies surrounded Ariel Sharon's Tel Aviv compound yesterday, holding Sharon virtual prisoner and demanding his immediate surrender.

"Of course we support Sharon's war on the people of Palestine," stated Yuppie spokesman Dirk Sheerson. "Even an MBA from Harvard knows that war stimulates the economy; duh!

"I can understand Sharon's reasons for bombing villages, killing civilians and shelling elementary schools -- prime real estate, money to be made, location is everything, go for it Ariel," stated Sheerson. "I'd do it myself if I had the time...but my Palm Pilot is booked, what can I say." What indeed.

"But when that bastard endangered the world's supply of EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL -- by God, he went too far."

Via ATT sattelite hook-up to his red Lexus convertible APC parked outside the Sharon compound on Kaplan Street, Sheerson told this reporter, "Of course, I admire Ariel's daring use of eminent domain -- and of course the way he one-upped Bethlehem's Architectural Preservation Commission was brilliant! Blowing up all those ugly 2000-year-old landmarks and replacing them with strip malls? Stroke of genius! There is no doubt in my mind that A.S. is a property developer with a strong, clear vision.

"However," Sheerson continued, "when he destroyed over 200,000 olive trees, Ariel Sharon went too far. Killing women and children is one thing -- but endangering the world's supply of olive oil UNACCEPTABLE. Pasta Prima Vera without Extra Virgin? I'm sorry but that's an unforgivable crime."

Even though our cell connection was breaking up, I managed to quiz Sheerson on a related issue. "Is Palestine a separate nation -- or just a re-zoning problem? Does Israel's Department of Public Works actually have jurisdiction in Palestine? Or is Israel's use of "eminent domain" illegal?"

"Technically yes," replied Sheerson. "When Israeli officials stated recenty that they were at war with Palestine, Israel tacitly acknowledged that Palestine was indeed a separate nation -- one with a separate Planning Commission. But that's not why we're here. We're here because Ariel Sharon has threatened the world's [olive] oil supply. That's not right!"

Hand-to-hand fighting continued throughout the night but by dawn Yuppies heavily armed with Gold Cards had taken the compound and exiled Sharon to Uzbeckistan where his expertise in "property development" was in great demand.

Best regards, Jane Stillwater, Berkeley, CA

"Imagine a world where EVERY child is wanted, nurtured, protected and loved: World Peace in one generation!" And olive oil for all (cars could run on it -- save olive trees now. In 38 years when there is no more petroleum left in the world, we could use them.)

Palestinian olive crop hit by unrest BBC 11 October, 2002

The Palestinian Authority's olive output, one of its most important agricultural products, was reduced by more than 80% in 2001, mainly due to Israeli military action. Figures released by the Palestinian Central Bureau of Statistics (PCBS) show that the amount of olives pressed in the Gaza Strip and West Bank fell from 126,147 tons to 22,155 tons.

October is the start of the olive picking season, but while this years' crop is large, output is expected to be low again as Palestinians are reluctant to harvest the fruit. "Thousands of olive trees have been wiped out by the Israelis," Professor Hasan Abu-Libdeh, head of the PCBS told BBC News Online. [200,000 trees in the last 2 years, according to JPN.] "Also, olives could not be harvested because the groves were declared security zones by the Israelis and farmers were being shot at by Jewish settlers," he said