PRESS RELEASE: ALIENS TAKE OVER PLANET, FORCE PEOPLE
TO BEHAVE LIKE CHRIST.
In a terrifying recent coup, aliens seized control
of the hearts and minds of men today, forcing them to
"It's terrible," screamed one top White House
resident, forced to be truthful against his will. "I
cannot tell a lie!"
Elsewhere in Washington, several members of the
US Supreme court were seen desperately thumbing
through the pages of Tennessee phone books.
In Israel, Arial Sharon was inconsolable. "I can
no longer indiscriminately butcher Palestinian
civilians," he wailed. "There goes my 8.5 million
dollars per day from American tax payers! There goes
my Final Solution! I'm ruined!"
In Rome, the Pope was also desperate. "Christ
wants me to nurture, protect, cherish and love the
children that have already been born," he complained
bitterly during Easter liturgy. "I can't do that!
What will I do with all the slums and starving babies in
Africa and Latin America that I personally created? Jesus! I pray that you cast this burden from me! True compassion is too much work."
In the Middle East, Osama Bin Ladin was in tears.
"I can't kill people any more! What am I do do?"
America's Secretary of Defense, various NRA officials
and the stockholders of Lockheed-Martin also Heard his
Pain. Their lives too had been decimated by Christ.
Drug runners, thieves, extortionists, child
abusers and members of the World Trade Organization
also gave up their un-Christ-like behavior and began
to live in Gandhi-like simplicity.
"Every time I think about my Lear jet and my
Lamborghini," said one World Bank executive, "I think
about the starving, enslaved children of Africa who
bought it for me and...I miss my toys."
Meanwhile, women throughout the world took the
changes stoically. "Of course we have some
familiarity with being kind," declared a spokesperson
for NOW. "But we are much more familiar with being
crucified. These changes will not effect us."
United at last, world leaders have put out a plea
to the aliens to "leave us alone."
A Pentagon spokesman told a press conference
today, "This Christ person needs to go back to where
he came from. We have INS working on the problem
Several editors of top American newspapers were
present at the conference. Tears silently formed in
their eyes. "Now that we are forced to tell the
truth," stated one editor, "All of our advertisers
have deserted us."
Fear also shown in the eyes of those present at
the conference - yet they bravely resolved to resist
following Christ's teachings with all the resources at
their disposal. "This is all-out war," declared the
head of the joint chiefs of staff. "This devastating
threat clearly justifes the use of nuclear force."
All across America's heartland, citizens waved
flags patriotically and prayed that they would someday
be free again - forever free of the curse of being
forced to behave like Christ.