Wednesday, April 21, 2004

"Mommie, where do homosexuals come from?" From religious fundamentalists, Dear

Back in the day (before managed healthcare ruled the world), I used to have this great family doctor. He even made house calls!

One day we were talking about this and that and I asked him, "Why are some people homosexual while others are not? What do you think? Are they born homosexual or is it a factor of how they were brought up?"

"Actually," he replied, "research indicates that homosexuality is the result of childhood stress." Jeez Louise. The implications of that answer boggle the mind.

Religious fundamentalists, in their avid zeal for discipline and their abject devotion to paddling as the cornerstone of child-rearing, are creating MAJOR childhood stress -- thus churning out homosexuals right and left! As long as we have that Old Testament "spare the rod and spoil the child" mentality, we can be ASSURED that the religious fundamentalists of this world will keep us in an endless supply of gay guys! How ironic.

Have you ever walked down the street in San Francisco's Castro District, famous for its drag queens? Southern accents are EVERYWHERE -- all those sons and daughters of Baptist ministers! Go Jerry Falwell! Rev. Dobson, take a bow. The dykes and nancy-boys of the world salute you!

British boarding schools, crack mothers, alcoholics and the Taliban are also doing a good job of creating homosexuals. Hats off to you. Sorry. Fundamentalist Jews aren't so hot at cranking out gays. For some reason, they only tend to turn out discipline freaks. Maybe the Pentecostals can give them some hints.

Other prize winners: The Johnson/Nixon/Kissinger team. During the Vietnam era, these guys were personally responsible for the violent deaths of six-and-a-half million people. That's a lot of stress! The only reason all of Southeast Asia isn't wall-to-wall leather bars these days is that people were probably too busy burying all those dead guys. Can you imagine the logistics of burying 6.5 million dead bodies? Even Hitler had trouble with that one -- until he called in IBM to help. IBM had given every corpse a number -- tattooed it right on their arms. Good old corporate efficiency. Just like Halliburton in Iraq.

Moral: Whoever you are, be kind to children and stop stressing them out! Or else graciously accept the consequences of having to share your sequins. And I don't want to hear no more gay-bashing either.