Jordan's revenge: Sending his parents to an abusive rest home in Montana!

When 15-year-old Jordan was first kidnapped from his home in the middle of the night and dragged off to an unregulated "Behavior Modification" program in the outback of nowhere, I was naive enough to think I could simply write him a letter and then he would write me back.

"Return to sender. Address unknown."

Holding a child completely incommunicado as if he had disappeared off the face of the earth? That's un-American! Forget that. I began a one-person letter-writing campaign to shut these "gulags" down. No luck. The "troubled parent" industry rakes in approximately two billion dollars a year. I didn't stand a chance.

My friend MA Dark just told me not to worry, however. Apparently there are more subtle forces at work than my kitchen-table letter barrage -- and they will most certainly shut these God-forsaken places down. Oh, goody!

"If these places are charging parents $4,000 a month," said MA, "that's not going to last too much longer. With the economy tanking, soon only the very wealthy will be able to afford those schools." And you KNOW that the very wealthy aren't going to be warehousing their children in some tacky prison camp in the wilds of Montana that isn't accredited to get the "family scion" into Yale.

Then Joe Thompson joined the conversation and started riffing about baseball. "Jane, not to worry. These programs will soon be going down the tubes. One of my barometers for the economy is children's organized sports. Three Little League baseball tournaments have been canceled over the past three weeks because of a shortage of players. Parents can no longer afford it." Parents can no longer afford Little League? That's scary.

With Bush and Rove at America's economic helm, can the 50,000 parents who now send their kids to behavior modification "schools" still be able to afford to support these hell holes? No no no. I never thought I would be grateful to Dubya for anything but it looks like Bush is actually helping to shut these terrible places down!

Thanks for the economic analysis, Joe and MA. And for the hope.

Here's another little ray of hope -- or at least a taste of revenge!

Someday -- maybe not today or tomorrow but someday -- Jordan is going to get out of that ghastly "Behavior Modification" program. And someday -- not in the near-distant future but someday -- Jordan's parents are gonna grow old. I can see it all now. Just as they are going to bed for the evening, Jordan will tell them the news. "So. Mom and Dad. I have a little surprise for you. Because I love you so much -- but you've been a little defiant lately -- I am going to send you on a nice little vacation to a sweet little place in the Montana mountains. And it will be FOR YOUR OWN GOOD...."

Then, after Jordan's parents are trustingly and unsuspectingly tucked into their beds for the night, "transporters" will sneak into the house, kidnap the parents and drag them off to the snows of Montana to an UNREGULATED old people's home!

Once there, no one will be allowed to communicate with them, they will be tortured and starved and they will not be allowed to come home until they have been brainwashed into thinking that Jordan is God. And if they dare try to run away from their home for "troubled seniors," the local Sheriff's department will hunt them down.

PS: Jordan is not the only American kid with troubles. In "these United States," children are constantly being kidnapped, exploited, RAPED, murdered and having their lunch money stolen (by the Bush administration no less!) What's with all those milk carton photos?

Some of the stories from my e-mail prayer list about babies being starved, abused and neglected in this "Land of Plenty" would curl your hair. And then there is the heartless and wholesale bombing of the Afghanistan, Iraq, Columbia, Haiti and Israel/Palestine kindergarten set. Not to mention the shameless exploitation both here and abroad of children's minds, innocence, imaginations (and fat cells) by corporations just out to make a buck -- at any cost. Plus what about that pregnant 13-year-old ward of the State in Florida? How did that happen, Jeb?

In some cultures, children are sacred. It's time for America to start thinking that way too.

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Happy Mother's Day! Moms, the dudes in the White House have robbed our children blind in order to line their pocketbooks. Now it's up to us.