I'm still planning to go to the Obama-McCain debates in Oxford Mississippi this Friday night. I got a new plan. I just bought my frequent-flyer airline ticket to Memphis, arriving on Thurday night, spending the night in the airport (I'm bringing a sleeping bag), hitchiking to Oxford for the debate on Friday (I have a sign that reads "Journalist needs ride to Oxford"), eating a large meal at the free media buffet table, watching the debate, hitchhikinging back to my new home at the Memphis airport, spending another night there and flying home via Las Vegas where I will win a million bucks on the slots.
But what will I DO with my new $1,000,000? That's a no-brainer. I'll buy gold! And hoard the hell out of it. Apparently, however, a company called the Central Fund of Canada will actually hoard your gold for you. As far as I can tell from their website, you buy the gold from them and they store it for you somewhere up in Alberta. But will I actually be able to go up and VISIT my gold? It doesn't say anything on the website regarding homestay visits with one's gold.
Speaking of money, that wily fox George W. Bush is at it again, back in the henhouse. "Lookie here, Dick," I can just hear him say, "we stole that election back in 2000, then we robbed the taxpayers blind with our Ponzi scheme in Iraq. Then we stole the 2004 election and looted the American middle class, scammed the housing market, raised the price of gas over a hundred percent, screwed with FEMA, gouged sick folks on prescription prices and Lord knows what all else. But I only gots three more months left in office now and, frankly, there's still some money left in the treasury that we still haven't touched. Crap! What else do you think we can do to soak the US taxpayers right down to the very last drop before January?"
Cheney just smiled. "No problem there, ole buddy. Let's give Henry Paulsen a call...."
And Paulson came up with a fabulous idea for looting the henhouse really good. Now every single dollar in the US treasury will be gone, gone, gone by the time McCain gets inaugurated. And won't John be unhappy about that! Nothing left for him to steal?
PS: What I don't understand is why the government doesn't just give one trillion dollars to the homeowners themselves. It would be sort of a HUD Section 8 rent subsidy for the middle class. Works for me.
PPS: I just e-mailed the Obama campaign headquarters to see if I could get an interview with Barack about his position on HUD Section 8 housing subsidies. You know what would happen if the government ever cut off Section 8? Within a month, the entire United States would start to look like a Hooverville tent city. Or should I say "Bushville"?
Next I'm gonna e-mail the McCain campaign headquarters and ask if I can interview McCain on this subject too -- him being an expert on houses and all.