I was happily bouncing baby Mena up and down to keep her from being all colicky this morning when the doorbell rang. It was my daughter Ashley and her friend Kevin who was visiting from Indiana. And Kevin was hung over. Boy was he ever. "I drank so much last night that I blacked out. And even this morning, I'm still drunk." Oh dear.
Kevin is a bona fide member of Generation X-Box and he has repeatedly promised to take me on a tour of Beverages And More. BevMo is PERFECT for the X-Box Generation. They sell all kinds of vodka and whiskey and rum that all taste more like soda-pop than alcohol. UV puts out a brand of vodka that tastes just like lemonade. Or so I'm told. Forget about Martinis. Try the pre-packaged margaritas, the tropical blue lagoon, the Jack Daniel's watermelon punch, the Kahlua banana mudslide, the tequila orange smoothie, Long Island iced tea, chocolate vodka, blueberry vodka, grape vodka, red cherry vodka, green apple vodka, ginger vodka, raspberry vodka.... Chocolate vodka?
There's all kinds of sweet girlie drinks for sale at BevMo, all geared and marketed to remind Gen X-Box of their favorite childhood treats. I'm surprised that Kool-Aid doesn't put out a brand of vodka too. Or Gatorade put out a brand of bourbon. Or Coke gets together with rum. Oops, that one's already been done. And all these sweet drinks are readily available at almost any liquor store (I don't mean to be hatin' on just poor old BevMo). And Generation X-Box is hooked! Especially Kevin.
"I got so drunk last night that I fell asleep in the shower!" said Kevin. "And my girlfriend came banging on the bathroom door. Boy was she angry!"
"Because you fell asleep in her shower?"
"No! Because, apparently, I peed in her bed." Whoops. So Ashley and Mena and Mena's dad and I decided to hold an intervention.
"We're not letting you out of the bathroom until you get potty trained!" said Ashley. Then we all got into a discussion about our potty-training memories.
"Everyone in MY generation," I told them, "was totally potty-trained by the time we were nine months old. They just sat us down on a ducky chair strapped to the toilet all day until we did 'Number 1' and 'Number 2'."
"I had one of those little-kid-sized toilet chairs," said Kevin, "and they wouldn't let me use the big one until I was older. Except for the time that my goldfish died...." And in the end we decided to let Kevin out of the bathroom -- but only if he promised that if he ever drank again, he would wear Depends.
So Kevin has seen the light. He's given up on the Generation X-Box trend to drink large amounts of alcohol-disguised-as-soda. Good job, Kevin! "The Moral of this Story," he told us, all repentant, "is to not drink until you pass out because if you do you'll pee in your girlfriend's bed." Eeuuww.
I also learned that in Indiana, a lot of the kids there drink A LOT. "There's not that much else to do there," said Kevin. You wanna find something else to do? Get involved with politics, Generation X-Box. Be idealistic. Your lives may depend on it. "We live in the best of times right now," I preached, "and the worst of times too. Terrible things are happening in the world today. Yet at the same time there are also so many more things that one can do to make a difference, to give hope, to create sustainability, to bring peace...." If ever the help of a new generation was so desperately needed, it is this one. To stop corruption. To stop violence. To stop drinking girlie drinks?
Then Ashley and Kevin went off to McDonalds.