Saturday, January 12, 2008

Desperate (voting) Housewives: No matter who wins in 2008, women get screwed!

(Photo is of female American voters, this article's co-author and friends)

I got up this morning, turned on the computer and this is the first thing I saw: "The economy skidded to a virtual standstill in the final three months of last year, raising fears the country could fall into a recession, unable to withstand the multiple blows from the prolonged downturn in housing, a severe credit crisis and soaring energy costs." Yikes!

But wait. It gets worse. "Wholesale inflation last year shot up by the largest amount in 26 years while retailers suffered their worst December shopping season in five years as mounting economic woes caused consumers to put away their wallets." The worst inflation in 26 years? Why am I not surprised. The Bush neo-con government has been spending money like water. It was bound to come back on us. But what does this mean for us average Americans? And especially how will it effect the way people vote in the presidential elections this year? Hmmm....

I've just been credentialed by CNN to cover the South Carolina Democratic primary debates in Myrtle Beach on January 21 and, once there, I plan to size up every candidate from the female voter's point of view. But without even having left California yet, I'm already starting to develop some theories regarding this POV -- and what I am coming up with is really scary. From what I can tell, the average American female voter is gonna be way up in arms this year. But if she isn't, then she should be.

"Is it the economy, Stupid?" Yes. That and a whole lot more.

I just got an e-mail from an irate woman in the Midwest. "Jane, when you wrote about John McCain, were you aware of his marital history?" Not really. "I think if most women knew how he cheated on his first wife and then left her for a much younger trophy wife who had lots of family money to advance his political ambitions, they would be appalled and never support a man like this."

Good grief. Don't tell me that McCain is yet another staunch Republican family-values man who has deserted said family when the chips are down. That is definitely not going to sit well with female voters. Us housewives are desperate enough without hearing that.

Ladies, always beware of politicians who talk about family values. It's usually just another cheap ploy to lure you into their, er, voting booth. And once you've marked their ballot and you are all ready to cozy up for an entire term of office, they'll all run out the door yelling, "I'll call you in the morning!" over their shoulder -- and you'll never hear from them again. But I digress.

What other issues are effecting women? Let's see. Education? Healthcare? Those are the biggies. And high mortgages on their homes -- if they can actually afford to buy one. When women vote, they will probably be looking for candidates who speak to these issues. But I don't have to go all the way to South Carolina to figure that one out.

But the most important voting issue for me -- and ain't I a woman too? -- is making sure that our votes will actually COUNT. Who even cares if the ladies of Wisteria Lane vote for McCain, Rudy, Huckabee, Romney or Ron Paul on the Republican ticket or Hillery, Obama, Edwards or Kucinich on the Democratic side or the Green Party candidate or the Libertarian guy or even if they stay the freak home on election day -- if our votes aren't counted correctly.

In my humble opinion, the Desperate (voting) Housewives of America have far more to worry about than merely who we chose to vote for and/or whether or not they keep their promises to us after the election or just jilt us at the threshold of the White House. Now we also have to worry about if our votes even count -- and if our fabulously legendary history-making idealistic world-shaking American democratic process still even works.

And while I'm at it, here's another thing about the elections this year pisses me off -- and will hopefully piss off other female voters too. From what I can tell, the media is screwing us over too. If you look at "Campaign 2008" as a media online "dating service" that we have hired to find us our future political soul-mates, it's clear as glass that they are now trying to hook us up with incompatible blind dates. Just look what NBC did to us in Nevada!

"Kucinich? You can't date that guy!"

But Kucinich and American women have so much in common. And he's cute too. But instead we get stuck with blind dates with McCain, Romney, Obama, Huckabee and Hillary -- whose main goals seem to be to make sure that the pipeline to military spending remains forever clear. Us women don't want that. We want less inflation. We want better schools!

You would think that a woman who has to worry about making ends meet and feeding her family and educating her children would prefer to be matched up with pro-middle class candidates like Dennis Kucinich or pro-labor candidates like John Edwards or fiscal conservatives like Ron Paul. But no. Our online dating services -- ABC, NBC and Fox News -- are deliberately sticking us with losers who can only babble on about "one hundred more years" of war and how wonderful our current sicko healthcare system is and how globalizing our jobs out to third-world countries will eventually trickle down more jobs for us (working in dollar stores) and other irrelevant stuff.

In my opinion, the main reason that American (voting) housewives are desperate is because deep down inside of us, we instinctively know that it doesn't even matter who we care about or vote for -- not McCain, Romney, Giuliani or Huckabee or even Hillary, Obama or Edwards or even Kucinich or Ron Paul -- because the corporate powers-that-be who now own America are gonna give us, either by jury-rigging electronic voting or by censoring media access, whoever they want us to have. Period. End of discussion.

I can't believe that Americans are actually letting global corporations, who are not committed to anyone's welfare but their own, grab the controls of our government. "Patriotic" Americans are always ranting on and on about how the UN is usurping our country's independence yet these same people are totally silent when globalized corporations steal our very country out from under our noses. A corporation is a person? With the same or more rights as all us millions of Desperate (voting) Housewives? Corporations are gladly given trillions in welfare from the government but none of us little guys are allowed to even humbly petition, hat in hand, for affordable healthcare, decent roads, well-trained police and fire departments and good schools? Give me a break!

"Jane, get back on topic." Yes Ma'am.

Like Mike Whitney says, "This year we can choose from a slate of eight candidates; all of whom are members of the secretive Council on Foreign Relations; and all of whom are wholly committed to the off-shoring of businesses, the outsourcing of jobs, the expansion of police-state powers, and the obscene enlargement the already over-bloated War Machine. The only exceptions are Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich who are treated like pariahs by the establishment media."

But, to me, the truly sad thing about the 2008 election is that, even against their own interests, millions of American women will still do what they are told, dutifully march out and vote for candidates who do not have their interests at heart on machines that will not even count their votes.

This is how I currently see the American woman's point of view -- that women are used to being told what to do and so they go out and do it. And, because the media tells them to do it, the women of America will willingly end up voting for McCain. Or Hillary. Or Giuliani. Or Huckabee. Or Obama. Or whichever flavor-of-the-day American women are told to vote for this year. And they will willingly do it on election machines that don't work.

You think that I'm wrong about this? Prove it. Elect someone that the globalized corporations don't like. But that won't happen now will it?

But I also see something else happening during the 2008 election cycle -- and this gives me hope. Most women, despite all of the above, still instinctively realize on a deep inner level that they ARE being seduced and abandoned and used -- and while we women may readily swallow all the usual lies forced down our throats once again, always remember that even though us women are used to getting ordered around, we also have women's intuition on our side and sooner or later we are bound to wise up. And when that happens, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

And I think that this time you globalized corporate guys may have crossed that line once too often.

You guys had better watch out!

Us women may nod our heads at the appropriate moments when the guys in Washington tell us how to act and what to do -- because a lot of us have been inbred for generations to be scared of the consequences if we don't. However. Women have also learned, after centuries of experience, how to be passive-aggressive and secretly subversive. And on the sly, in the background, us women go commando.

So what I am thinking regarding Desperate (voting) Housewives is this -- that on the day after the final election of 2008 and the corporate "candidate" wins, those guys behind the curtain who pulled the strings on elections will all be patting themselves on the back and thinking that they have everything under control because they think that they have successfully elected yet another stage-managed puppet like George W. Bush who will allow global mega-corporations to continue raping the taxpayers with ease. And wars can successfully continue to be their source of great income. And inflation can continue to rise -- right into their pockets. Yeah, well. They probably have. They probably do.

But from my point of view, no matter WHO the powers-that-be "elect" and put into the White House in 2008, they are still gonna be in trouble -- just like GWB is now. Why? Because of us passive-aggressive women. You can fool some of us some of the time, but eventually we women somehow always sniff out the truth. And we instinctively know that bad things are happening despite all those cheery Orwellian messages we are always getting on the news.

For instance, we know that the price of hamburger has tripled since Bush was "elected", no matter how much his advisers jimmy the cost-of-living index by not including the price of food and gasoline in their calculations. And we also know stuff because we pay the bills. We pay the new off-the-charts mortgage bills. We pay the skyrocketing utility bills (mine has doubled within the last year). We know when our friends lose their jobs. And we know that we send our kids to shabby schools and bury our sons because of illegal wars.

And because we know all these little day-to-day details of life on Wisteria Lane, we sooner or later KNOW that we are being screwed.

The average American guy may be able to ignore all this stuff or put a macho spin on it and talk about everything being the fault of the terrorists and if we just blew them all up, everything would be fine. But we women can't ignore any of this or blame it on terrorists in turbans who live in the Middle East. Because the bad things that are happening to us women aren't happening over in Baghdad. They are happening here. Over 50% of all homeless Americans are women and children. It's too close to home.

Okay. So now we have nailed the motivations and actions of all those slimy corporate freaks who now run our lives. But are they afraid of us women? Absolutely not. "Just exactly what harm can a passive-aggressive woman do? She can do nothing!" the powers-that-be are saying as they laugh up their sleeves at the women they've just screwed. But we women will think of something. We always do.

"Hell hath no fury...." Every guy knows that.

Women, however, are always ready to negotiate, ready to cooperate and ready to make a deal. So here's our deal. "If you just give us back our Constitution, our democracy, our jobs, our children's safety and our future, we will stop having headaches at bedtime, over-salting your food and over-starching your tighty-whities!"

PS: This was written in conjunction with my three-week-old granddaughter Mena asleep on my arm while I typed it out with one hand. And whenever I would read her a part that she didn't agree with, she'd wake up and scream.

If this little bundle of joy could talk, I'm sure that she would say, "I'm Mena and I approve this message."