Now Ann Coulter will be on MY case: How to become America's Next Top Traitor

My great-great-great-great-great (you get the idea) grandfather came to America seeking freedom from religious persecution. Boy how things have changed!

What is the Number One Top Thing you can do in America these days to get the FBI to show up at your door? Become a Muslim!

Here's a test for you. If you are a woman, try walking down any street in America with a scarf wrapped around your head. Or, if you are a man, try wearing a turban into the local pub. If looks could kill, you'd be dead. I just tried it. It works. Trust me.

According to Ann Coulter, "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity...." Can't you just imagine Ann of Arc, leading the troops to battle in her mini-skirt? And I thought you said that only liberals killed babies, Ann. Changed your mind?

Muslims around the world have been bombed, shot at and killed almost daily by the CIA and the Pentagon since the overthrow of democratic Iran back in 1953. It is a great tribute to their religious beliefs that Muslims aren't more angry than they are. Imagine if America had suffered a 9-11 at least once a month for the past 50 years? What would OUR reaction be?

So. Assaulted in their own land by oil barons seeking empire, many Muslims hear the Bush/Coulter demands for religious freedom and hot-foot it off to America, seeking protection and shelter in the bosom of religious liberty. But what do they really find here? You tell me.

It's not easy being Muslim in America. It's about as easy as being a Puritan in England during the seventeenth century when religious persecution forced my ancestors to flee. (My mother was a member of the DAR and don't you forget it!)

If the Religious Right had been in charge here instead of the Indians back when the Pilgrims arrived on Plymouth Rock, there would have been NO First Thanksgiving. All Pilgrims would have been rounded up, strip-searched, sent to Guantanamo without a trial...and we all know what happened after that....

What is UP with all this religious intolerance in a country that was founded on the principle of religious freedom? First the Catholics were given a hard time. Then it was the Jews. Now it's the Muslims. Is that really the way that God wants us to be?

What if, instead of God speaking to George Bush, God started speaking to ME? I bet I know what He would say. "Jane, I like all the religions that honor Me. I like Christians. I like Buddhists. I like Muslims. I like Jews. But, frankly, I would prefer that you become a Muslim. If you become a Muslim, that will REALLY piss George Bush off. And I'm tried of hearing him take My name in vain." Thank you, God! That's why YOU are God. And George Bush isn't.

Following God's instructions, last Friday I became a Muslim. And I was glad I did it too. Muslims are People of the Book, believe in the Bible and -- when not being shot at and bombed and thrown into Abu Ghraib -- are generally really nice people. But now I'm all worried. Now that I became a Muslim, Coulter is gonna call me a traitor. And I'm going to have get body-searched at airports, get threatened at the strip-mall by rednecks and have to deal with the FBI.

America, what ever happened to religious freedom?

PS: I have one more question for God. "Lord, why do right-wing fundamentalists support Bush instead of You? It doesn't make sense to me. Bush has Shanghai-ed their religious freedom, made a mockery of the ten commandments, lied to them, used them like Kleenex, stole their jobs and put their sons' lives in danger for no good reason. God, what exactly do these fundamentalists GET out of supporting George Bush? Do they LIKE being dumped on? Are they masochists? Don't these guys ever read their Bibles? Isn't lying to God for fun and profit a bad thing?"

I'm still waiting for God to get back to me on this one. I hear, however, that he has already set a plague of locusts on Tom Delay.

And while I'm being slammed for being a traitor, I might as well go all the way. Coulter -- as well as everyone in the fundamentalist right wing -- is really gonna hate me for this one. I am in favor of birth control! And, even worse, I think that under certain circumstances even abortions are necessary. There. I've said it.

You wanna end abortion? It's simple. It's easy. Picketing "abortion mills" is not going to do it. And George Bush ain't gonna do it either. Sorry, guys. THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO END ABORTIONS: Make sure there is a place in this world for every child that is conceived so that a woman getting pregnant won't be afraid to carry her child to term. Have the food, housing, education, health care, aunts, uncles and loving grandparents all lined up to help. Make sure there's a place for little Johnny at Harvard. It's that easy. I think God would agree with me.

PPS: I have other talents besides just being religious. I can see into the future. And a lot of good it has done me too. No one believes me. "Bush is leading this country down the road to rack and ruin," I say. Nobody believes me. "We still have a chance to save the human race if we cut back on consumption, ban commercials on TV, put a solar panel on every roof and start practicing what we preach -- love and kindness and that sort of thing." But NOBODY believes me on that one especially.