The Ghost of Christmas Future tells all: $2 a day wages and the Rape of Cincinnati

The Ghost of Christmas Future appeared to me last night.

"What did he look like? What did he say?"

"He wore a caveman outfit and rode a bike. It was a Schwinn. He showed me what I would look like after I gained 50 pounds and told me to lay off the eggnog."

"That's all? That's IT?"

"Nope. He also showed me what will happen to Americans if they keep that idiot George Bush in office." It was not a pretty picture. He took me to the Philippines first. What I saw there was really scary.

"Way back in 2004," stated the Ghost as he adjusted his bearskin and parked the Schwinn, "something tragic happened here. Government tanks rolled into this small farming community, moved into position and opened fire on a group of Filipino farm workers who were walking a picket line. They were protesting having to work for 17 cents a day." Did I hear that right? 17 cents a DAY? "They killed 12 adults and a two-year-old and a five-year-old child."

That day, the Filipino government proved to be the wave of the future, showing the Bush government how to use tanks on striking two-year-olds. The Filipino government and the Bush government are both big fans of cheap labor.

"By 2007, Americans were working for $2.00 an hour," said the Ghost. "Today, Americans are well on their way to making 17 cents an hour. 17 cents a day will come later."

After a tour of the hovels and sweatshops of New York, Kansas and California, we got back on the Schwinn and flew over Cincinnati but there weren't any sweatshops there. Not even hovels. Cincinnati was a smoldering ruin. "Good God! What happened?"

"What goes around comes around," said the Ghost of Christmas Future. "Bush raped Iraq. That left America vulnerable to the Rape of Cincinnati." Who did this? Muslims?

"No. When the dollar collapsed in 2005, Bush retaliated by launching a preemptive strike on the EU, Russia, Japan and China. They struck back."

"That's terrible! This is a nightmare!" I wrung my hands. "What can I do to change this terrible future! What can I do!"

"You can start by laying off the eggnog." No problem!

"Next you gotta do everything in your power to get those psychopaths and corporate welfare queens out of Washington and back in the sewer where they belong." Eeuuuu. I HATE snakes. But by the time the Schwinn touched back down at my house, I was READY. Economic boycotts, legal protests, e-mail and post card campaigns, TV ads, secession, ballot initiatives, walking naked down the freeway -- I'm doing whatever it takes to avoid $2 a day and the Rape of Cincinnati!

Ya think the Ghost of Christmas Future got on MY case? Imagine what he said to George Bush! "Spread out below you, end to end from here to Denver, are the shrouds of the hundreds of thousands of people you killed, Georgie boy. You are in Big Trouble. God's getting ready to open a REALLY BIG can of whup-ass on you."

It's still not too late to avoid all this, George. Stop lying, killing, defrauding and blaspheming and the Ghost of Christmas Future might even stop all his talk about international war crimes tribunals, orange jump suits and jail. God may even forgive you. Who knows. But I won't. Not unless there's a WHOLE bunch of eggnog involved.