Thursday, December 24, 2015

The most deadly terrorist in America today? Surprise, it's sugar!

      Recently, GOP candidates used up over three hours of prime-time TV arguing about how to protect Americans from terrorism.  "Blow everybody up east of Atlantic City!" seemed to be the general consensus that the Repubs came up with.  However, during that entire program, not one of the candidates even mentioned the fact that millions of innocent Americans have already been savagely murdered in their beds by a vicious terrorist set lose in the very heart of our homeland -- and that would be sugar

     Even as we speak, thousands of helpless and unprotected Americans are being mercilessly picked off one by one by plain old common everyday sugar and its substitutes -- and yet no one is holding any TV debates about that.

     In the last year alone, 75,578 Americans have been bumped off by sugar-induced diabetes -- while in the past few decades only approximately 182 Americans have been killed by actual human terrorists with weapons (including Oklahoma City and San Bernardino).

      "But Jane," you might ask, "what about 9-11?"  Nah.  19 Saudis with box-cutters and seven dancing Israeli "art students" in Jersey don't count as terrorists -- because, as everyone in America has learned the hard way, if Saudi Arabia and Israel are involved, nobody is allowed to call it terrorism.  But I digress.

     My main point here is that terrorists are few and far between in America these days -- but sugar is lurking everywhere, behind every corner, ready and extremely willing to kill us dead at the drop of a hat.  And not only are sugar "sleeper-cells" hiding out in our junk food and desserts and sodas and Halloween candy, but also in our cereal, low-fat yogurt, soup, fruit juice and even our baby food.  Yikes!

     And sugar is far, far more likely to kill you than Saudis with box-cutters or Israelis dancing the Hora to celebrate the Twin Towers getting blown up.

     Apparently sugar does all the things that are bad for us that fats have always been accused of -- such as clogging our arteries and making us "fluffy".  Fats have been unjustly taking the rap for sugar's current heartless and indiscriminate reign of terror.  Humph.

     But next you might ask, "How do you know all this information about sugar and why are you bringing it up now?"  Because of in-flight movies of course!  I just watched "That Sugar Film" while flying to Paris on Delta.  And what I learned about terrorism from that movie was far more scary than what I learned from watching the Republican debate on the subject (if you don't count the fact that every presidential candidate there wanted to basically blow up the world). 

PS:  Have a happy holiday, everyone -- and please watch out for all those sugar plum terrorists wielding cake-cutters!  And make it your New Year's resolution to give up sugar and sugar substitutes before it's too late.