Sunday, July 05, 2009

Madam Jane predicts: It's every man for himself!

"Madam Jane," I asked my favorite fortune-teller yesterday, "what does the future hold for us? I mean, really. The seas are rising, billions of people seem to be dying of starvation, most of our tax dollars go toward keeping bankers in caviar and buying enough weapons to blow up our entire solar system -- and most Americans are missing the Big Picture entirely and going around with their heads in the sand when they should be out taking action. The future looks grim. I'm all confused. What should I be doing to make the future look better?"

Madam Jane just sighed and looked disgusted. "What are you asking me for? I got problems of my own. Go ask Harry Potter."

So. It looks like I'm not going to get any help from Madam Jane this time around. I'm going to be in this mess all on my own. "It's every man for himself now," snarled Madam Jane. "Go find your own freaking lifeboat. Get out of mine."

Madam Jane seems to be having a bad day.

Still and all, I hate being on my own. I hate not knowing what the future will hold.

"Oh, okay, just stop whining. I'll give you a few hints -- but just this once," said MJ. Then she took out her cards. "The future.... Hmmm.... When you think about the future, there is really only one thing to think about: Babies, children, the next generation. Do whatever you can to keep babies safe."

Oh crap. As much as I dearly love babies in the abstract, in reality they are a whole bunch of work. They keep trying to mess up my computer. They hit the delete button by accident, don't keep quiet while I think and spit up on the keyboard.

But Madam Jane continued on despite my grumblings. "You educate them, you be kind to them, you make sure that every single baby in this world is wanted, nurtured, protected and loved. That's mankind's most important task. That's mankind's only hope. Madam Jane has spoken."

Does this mean that I'm going to have to go off to the Pentagon and explain to the Generals that if they really want to make America safe, they gotta give up spending trillions of dollars on Star War missiles, pre-imptive strikes, torture and fomenting military take-overs in Honduras -- and start learning how to change diapers instead? Yeah right.

Have I got to go to Congress and teach all our Representatives about the "Five S" method? Apparently so. "Senators! When a newborn is crying from colic, you gotta activate its Calming Reflex by performing five actions -- swaddle the baby, turn it sideways, swing it, shhh it in imitation of its mother's heartbeat, and give it something to suck on." Do I gotta send every legislator in America a copy of "The Happiest Baby on the Block"? I'm an expert on this "Five S" method. You got a colicky baby? Call me! I'll have it quietly smiling in under two minutes. I got skills.

But I digress.

Instead of giving Israeli neo-cons seven million dollars a DAY to spend on weapons, give them seven million dollars a day to spend on Palestinian schools, colleges and universities. And do the same in Baghdad and AfPak. And then spend seven million dollars a day on educating California's children too. Why not.

Hey, Madam Jane! You might actually be onto something here.