Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Dr. is in: How to stop anemia, hemorrhoids, the common cold, cancer and the war on Iraq

Here are some of my very favorite health hints. This is a LONG list but bear with me. Health is IMPORTANT! Let's start with the biggest health hint of all:

How to stop dying at a young age from an infected hangnail after losing all your teeth: That's easy. Just move to Canada. Or Sweden. Or any country that is civilized enough to have decent healthcare.

There is now a bill in the California legislature that will instigate single-payer healthcare that we can all afford. The HMOs are fighting this bill tooth and nail.

Remember when Alta Bates Hospital was the crown-jewel hospital in all of California? We all used to look FORWARD to getting sick just so we could go spend a week in the Alta Bates Hilton and get pampered. Then the HMOs took it over. Now Alta Bates faces losing its ACCREDITATION. The best hospital in the WORLD is about to lose its accreditation? And people aren't marching in the streets? That's sick.

If you have healthcare, you live longer. Duh. Wanna be healthy? Demand healthcare! And dental care too. It's better to have teeth and eyes than to give our money to rich CEOs who are robbing us blind (and toothless). They don't need our money. We do!!!!!

How to stop the common cold: Colds exist for a reason, you know. Every single day, we are surrounded by MILLIONS of cold viruses. So why aren't we all in bed with the sniffles 24/7? Because colds are set off by something else besides the virus. Colds happen when our immune systems go on strike!

"I'm gonna stay up to 3 am to finish this project," our brain tells our body. Fine. But do that three nights in a row or stuff ourselves all day with bon-bons or drink 53 Tequila Sunrises in a row? Our immune systems will tell our brains, "Forget that! I'm outta here! I'm going on strike until you cut out all this nonsense. I know my rights!" And that's how we succumb to colds.

Wanna recover quickly from a cold? The best way to do it is to cut down on input. Hide out in a darkened room. Eat lots of oranges and spinach. Stop scaring our poor sweet immune systems. Promise them health benefits and higher wages. They will stop going on strike.

You think this isn't true, isn't scientific? Try it next time you get a cold. And go to your doctor. He will tell you. "Get plenty of bed-rest." But if you do it BEFORE you get the cold, you won't even get one!

How to stop poison oak: "Leaves of three -- leave it be." I learned that in Girl Scouts. But what if you forget to count? No problem-o! I just LOVE this cure. You buy Fels Naphtha laundry soap and wash yourself with it after being exposed. The naphtha in the soap neutralizes the acid in the poison oak. You never even develop a rash! How cool is that? But wait -- It gets even cooler! If you ignore your Aunt Jane's good advice, forget to wash with Fels Naphtha and get poison oak anyway, it's still not too late. Just rub Fels Naphtha over the rashes and they go away like magic. Totally cool!

How to stop hemorrhoids: Got hemorrhoids? One easy way to get rid of them is to get rid of that pain in the butt in the White House. Evict him for violating his lease and not paying his rent and you will no longer have to constantly CYA while Bush Republicans keep you in hot water locally and globally 24/7.

Aside from that, there is another way to cure hemorrhoids that I once heard an obstetrician give a talk about. But -- warning -- even though it works, her method is kind of yucky-sounding. The obstetrician said that "During birth, when a baby's head is 'crowning,' I avoid overly stretching the cervix/perineum area by pressing my fingers on the outside of the skin that is being stretched around the baby's head in order to counterbalance the pressure caused by the baby's head coming out. This counterbalancing action keeps that area -- already stretched by the presence of the baby's head -- from receiving too much strain. And you can use this same concept of applied physics when passing bowel movements as well. People should hold their fingers firmly on the outside of the sphincter/perineum area while passing a bowel movement. This counterbalancing force reduces the pressure on the anal sphincter muscle, protects it from strain and Voila! No more hemorrhoids." Eeuuww.

This is all easy for the obstetrician to say. She gets to wear latex gloves. Would using toilet paper to press down on the outside area do as well? Or is the cure worse than the cause? Double-eeuuww. Hemorrhoids are gross. Let's change the subject.

How to stop anemia: Are you anemic? Low energy? Having trouble sleeping? Can't take iron pills because -- gasp -- they make you constipated and give you hemorrhoids? I've got a great cure. Take one tablespoon of Plantation Blackstrap Molasses once a day. It's gotta be Plantation. It's gotta be Blackstrap.


Because Plantation Blackstrap Molasses contains 20% of our daily iron requirement. And 20% of our daily calcium requirement too. It also stops osteoporosis. And it causes your hair to grow faster too. How's that for getting your money's worth?

How to stop cancer: As for stopping the spread of cancer -- that's easy. Get rid of the Bush Republicans who are contaminating our air and water supply with carcinogenic toxic waste. And you can get rid of autism the same way: Outlaw the mercury-poisoning-for profit lobbies in Washington -- and the drug-poisoning-for profit lobbies too. Stroke of the pen. End of story. No more autism.

Take my advice. Elect people to office who represent Us not Them. A lot fewer of your friends and relatives will be dying of cancer. There will be no more autism. And there will be no more idiots in the White House too.

Another good way to stop cancer? Give up eating red dye number 40. My biologist friend Carolina just told me, "It causes mutations in baby mice and it's illegal in Europe -- but it is in almost every processed food sold here." Apparently kids eat it "It's in jelly beans, most strawberry ice cream, Doritos, Gatorade, Jello, Pop-Tarts and almost anything cherry-flavored." Plus it's in my absolute culinary favorite -- birthday cake!

Does that mean that, after surviving all those birthdays, I'm gonna get done in by MY OWN CAKE? That's so not fair.

How to stop psychosis: Wanna stop psychosis? First you gotta understand what causes it. According to Dr. William Glasser, psychosis is not a mental illness like Alzheimer's or Parkinson's Disease. Psychosis apparently is caused by attempts to be mentally healthy! When you and I see something wrong with our lives, we try to fix it of course -- but we only try sensible stuff that we know might straighten things out. But psychotics apparently see stuff wrong with their lives and try EVERYTHING to try to straighten things out. Theirs is sort of a shot-gun approach to mental health. And it usually doesn't work. Sorry.

You gotta "order early and be specific" if you want to stop being psychotic. It's called a REALITY CHECK.

Those idiots in Washington DC need an occasional reality check too. You can't be 45 trillion dollars in debt and kill 150,000 people in Iraq and expect these "solutions" to work. That's crazy talk.

How to stop homosexuality: What other health hints do you want to know about? Here's one for all those Bush Republican closet queens and hate-pushers who are always yammering on about homosexuals. Time to put your money where your mouth is, guys. Do you REALLY want to stop the spread of homosexuality or is it just a political ploy?

Stopping the spread of homosexuality is really easy to do. Just stop beating your kids!

According to another doctor I know, homosexuality is not only caused by genetics. Much of it is caused by "childhood stress". You want proof? In states like Texas where paddling and spanking are encouraged, the rate of homosexuality spirals (and then they -- except for the ones who become closet queen Republicans and frequent the plush private gay clubs of Dallas -- all move to San Francisco! You hear lots of southern accents at the S.F. Gay Pride Month parade). Just look at male prostitute Jeff Gannon and his connection to the George Bush White House. (Well, actually, George isn't from Texas -- he was raised in Connecticut. All hat, no catttle.)

Yes, we can thank folks like the Reverend James Dobson -- who encourages physical violence against those shorter and more helpless than us -- for creating even more homosexuals. Want to stop homosexuality? Stop beating your kids, start financing education programs that aren't just teach-to-tests boondoggles, be kind to babies when they just pop out of the womb -- and within a generation, non-genetic homosexuality will be reduced dramatically. However, while I truly hate child abuse, gay people are kinda interesting and cool....

But I digress.

How to stop Montezuma's revenge: Got an upset stomach? Use Po Chai pills! They are Asia's answer to Alka-Seltzer and boy do they work. Diarrhea? Vomiting? Even food poisoning! They are dynamite little herbal pills in a box. I can't imagine raising children without them. Go to ANY Chinese grocery store and ask for them by name. Po Chai pills.

How to stop the war on Iraq: Want to stop the war on Iraq? Bring our troops home? Use the billions and billions we will have saved to upgrade hospitals and schools? Here's the plan: First, take back all that blood money stolen from us. That's easy to do -- you can find it hidden away in various Bush Republicans' Swiss bank accounts.

Next, we need to trust the Iraqis. Did you know that there are more PhDs per capita in Iraq than there are in America? Did you know that before Poppy and Baby Bush started bombing that country, Iraq had one of the finest healthcare systems in the world? Iraqis can deal with their own country. We need to stand aside and let THEM begin the slow, painful process of healing from the terrible wounds inflicted on them by the loose-cannon pyromaniacs who have invaded our White House.

And last but not least we need to forget about Iraq and start spending our valuable time and resources where they are most needed to protect our country -- here in America.