Holy Dirty Laundry, Batman! My house is a mess! And the White House is too....

"Well this certainly isn't the Bat Cave," said Robin as he looked around at all the mess. "Jane should be ashamed of herself. This place is a dump."

I'm innocent, guys. I'm out trying to save the freaking planet, not win a good housekeeping award from Readers Digest. Hell, even Batman has a butler and a BUNCH of maids. Why should I have to clean my house?

Just then Cat Woman, George Bush and Poison Ivy came to my defense. "We're too busy out trying to destroy the world to do housework either," they said.

What I need are a couple of neat freaks who LIKE to do housework to come to my rescue.

Anyone got any suggestions or clues?

"To the Jane Cave, Robin!" cried Batman. "And bring that butler dude along too!"

PS: The reason that it is so important for me to have a clean house is that, after finally getting my daughter GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL (!!!!!) this June and getting Jordan safely back from one of those weird teen "behavior modification" programs in Montana, I want to use my new-found skills and help other teenagers too. So I've applied to become a foster parent.

According to "A Better Way" foster care service, there is a crying need for capable foster parents. When I went to their training program on Saturday, they showed me a whole book full of children who are in desperate need of foster homes. If you live in Northern California, please e-mail Billie at mail@abetterwayinc.net and sign up to become a foster parent. Tell them Jane Stillwater referred you.

Then I can help to clean up the world -- by helping one person at a time -- as well as getting my own house clean.

PPS: The White House badly needs cleaning up too. Right now, it's filled with sleazy squatters who never take out their garbage. They shouldn't be there.

According to its lease, the U.S. Constitution, you gotta be elected to live at the White House -- but flagrant election fraud has forced that hair ball George Bush down our throats. So let's clean house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, use the Downing Street deep throat memo to cough up GWB and send him off to jail where he can do KP in his cell.

And if Bush decides that he doesn't want to get evicted from the White House and, to avoid said fate, opens concentration camps for us patriots or stages a military coup...well.... As my friend Michael says, "If Bush opens concentration camps he'll have a revolution on his hands. As for a military coup, the same result. He damn well better not!"