Wednesday, July 07, 2004

The major cause of overeating? Stress!

Is food the poor man's Prozac? Yes!

When the going gets tough, what do rich people do? They go to a psychiatrist, throw gobs of money at him and score some Valium. Under the same stressful conditions, what do poor people do? We super-size it! Our prescription for stress relief? Two pizzas, three Cokes, a large order of fries, a Slurpee, a Butterfinger and some Astro-Pops.

My family hangs out at the low end of the economic scale. When the spit hits the fan? Dairy Queen here we come!

Whenever my daughter is under stress, her personal favorite is deep-fat-fried chicken. Me? I'm a great believer in the soothing powers of birthday cake. "I had a hard day at the office today. Cut me off a corner piece!"

What is it about a cruise ship's midnight buffet that makes us once again be able to cope? Why are so many of our children becoming....what is the current euphemism for FAT? What is our sure-fire cure to the cumulative power of modern-day stress. Sugar! And stuff that has been partially-hydrogenated. And lots of it.

My brain gets all frazzled really easily. The fiasco we call a government in Washington DC is driving me nuts! My answer? New York cheesecake with Mountains of whipping cream. And keep it coming too.

If you want to lose weight, forget about the South Beach diet. Win the lottery, move to the country, get the kids a nanny and give up watching Fox News. I guarantee that within the month you will even start craving greens and brown rice.

Wanna go on a diet? Wait until after the kids graduate, the traffic jam goes away, Bush stops trying to blow up the world and your cell phone has died. "Jane, you look so thin! How do you do it!" How do I do it? I have no life! The Jane Stillwater secret diet? I avoid stress like the plague, play lots and lots of solitaire, rarely drive, avoid shopping malls, limit watching TV, bike to work, cherish the moments when my house is all peaceful and quiet in the middle of the night and work like a dog to get America out of the business of killing for oil -- thus eliminating stress caused by irate terrorists and successfully avoiding having to live on cream puffs and TastyKakes.

In October, I will be walking in the Susan G. Komen 3-day walkathon to benefit breast cancer research. To sponsor me, please go to Click on "sponsor a participant" and type in my name. Thank you.