Saturday, July 12, 2008

The special "Savo Island's got Talent" issue of my housing co-op newsletter

(News Update: This newsletter was SUPPOSED to be a humorous parody of Piers Morgan's TV show, wherein we would have him desperately searching around for some new talent to run for my housing co-op's board of directors in our annual elections on July 26, 2008 -- but forget about that. Our current "Six Million Dollar Board" has just stalled off board-member elections for yet another two months.

So if you were thinking that you've got talent and wanted to run for our Board, who knows when you are going to be able to get a chance because this particular Board is perfectly capable of putting off another election for YEARS! For instance, back in the 1990s, they managed to stall off one annual election from July 1995 to April 1999. Hey, that takes talent for sure! But here's the original newsletter anyway:)

Things are about to change bigtime here at my housing co-op. HUD has finally forced our current no-talent board of directors -- currently nicknamed the "Six Million Dollar Board" because that's approximately how much they have cost our co-op so far -- to set a date for our annual board-member election. Now all we need is for some TALENTED people to run for the board. And maybe we could even get Piers Morgan, that nasty Brit who is a judge on the TV show "America's Got Talent," to judge our election too.

Do you think that you have any talent? Come on out and run for our board!

"But Piers," you might ask, "what are the qualifications for running? Do I need to know all the HUD regulations? Be able to read an accounting spreadsheet? Know anything about re-hab?"

"Nope. All you gotta do is show up at board meetings for three hours once a month. Even you can do that."

That's all? That's it? "Don't I even have to live at Savo Island?"

"No, not even that. In fact, it actually helps if you don't, because then you won't be tempted to just work in your own self-interest like several board members already do, and you will be free to watch out for ALL Savo residents' interests instead. Plus if our current board of directors -- with no experience and no talent at all -- can do it, then anyone can. Even you." Geez, Piers, you don't have to be THAT nasty. "HUD and the management company do most of the work. All you gotta do is show up."

"But how many candidates will be going through to the finals this season?" I asked.

"Well, ordinarily only three board members would be elected, but this year I'm saying that Savo residents need to chuck the whole lot and start over from scratch. As far as I can tell, the current board has cost Savo approximately six million dollars in lost HUD subsidies, re-hab delays, rents not collected, units left vacant, etc. No one can be worse than the bunch we got now." Piers is always a bit harsh.

"So if all goes well, Savo will get a new board on July 26. But then what? What about the re-hab!" I cried. "With new people at the helm, will we finally be getting that started any time soon? Like before the rainy season comes?"

"It looks like the re-hab is finally getting started," I was assured.

"But will a new board be able to deal with the dry shingles, the fire hazards and the results of the latest REAC inspection!" I continued to whine. "How will I know that a new board can handle all that?"

"Look," growled Piers in his most Simon Cowell sort of way, "if you want things to change around here, YOU gotta run for the board. Are you gonna do this? Or not." Sure. I'll run for the board.

I got talent!

Then I demonstrated true talent from the bottom of my heart. "If elected," I said, "I'm going to do everything I humanly can to save our Section 8 subsidies, work in Savo's best interests, get the re-hab back on track, get more money coming in and less money going out and try to secure the option of getting us new doors during the re-hab that will come with see-through fan-light panels at the top so that our entry-ways will have more light and not look so much like a tomb!"

Piers wasn't really all that impressed with this demonstration of my talent -- but he did put me through to the next round. And now it's YOUR turn to audition for the new "Savo Island's Got Talent" show. Please apply to be on our Board of Directors ASAP!