Monday, February 25, 2008

Bush & McCain get their horoscope read: "In 20 years, you will own all the world's oil"

(These photos are of my fabulous 1990 Toyota -- with the "Bush Knew" bumper sticker -- that gets 35 miles a gallon and my alternate mode of transportation with the Kucinich bumper sticker which gets even MORE mpg.)

I've been trying to get to Cleveland in order to attend the Democratic primary debate between Hillary and Obama and have not been having any luck. Offers for housing have fallen through. The weather has turned nasty (they are now forecasting temperatures as HIGH as 36 degrees!) and I don't have enough frequent-flyer miles to pay for my flight. What should I do? Should I just go on ahead anyway? Or not....

"If money is a problem," a journalist friend just e-mailed me, "I recommend that you save your energy for the big show in August and September when the nominating conventions happen. I promise that you will experience the entire insanity and misery of the campaign trail even without going to Cleveland."

So. What SHOULD I do? Maybe my daily horoscope might give me a hint? Let's see. I'm a Cancer....

"Jane," said my horoscope, "don't bother going to Cleveland for the Democratic primary debate on Tuesday." Perhaps I should follow its advice. But you know how it is. Whenever someone tells you exactly what to do, you always wanna go and do the opposite.

"But I've GOT to be there," I wailed. "I've been media-credentialed! It's gonna be on national television! This is a big deal! And not only that, but one of those candidates at Cleveland State University tomorrow night is going to be the next president of the United States!" Wait a minute. What is happening here? Now I'm talking to a freaking newspaper? Oh dear. And the freaking newspaper is even answering back?

"Trust me," my horoscope replied. "I wouldn't count on Hillary or Obama becoming the next president if I were you. And besides, if you do go to Cleveland, not only will you bust your budget for the next two months and have to live on cheese and crackers until June, but it is COLD in Cleveland and with your moon in Aquarius and Scorpio rising, this trip could easily lead to pneumonia."

Don't you just hate it when your horoscope talks back?

"Stay home, Jane. Forget about Cleveland. Forget about Hillary and Obama. McCain is going to win this one. His Jupiter is opposite his Pluto. Done deal." Yeah and it also helps that the oil industry and the weapons industry pretty much own the media and McCain is their person.

"But if McCain DOES win, then what will happen?" I asked.

"That's a no-brainer. You don't have to be a star-gazer to predict that one. Here's the deal: The Bush-McCain coalition will continue to follow their proceed in the same direction that has been so successful for them so far. They will continue to attack, subvert and seize oil-producing countries all across the globe until, 20 years from now, they will control every single oil field in the world."

"But wouldn't that be a good thing -- that America would be in control of all the world's oil 20 years from now? Then won't all the other nations of the world have to come begging to us?"

"Aha," replied my Washington-insider, politically-hip horoscope (what ever happened to those horoscopes that merely predicted that we would be lucky in love?) "America won't be holding a lock on the world's oil. The Bush-McCain coalition will be holding a lock on the world's oil. There IS a difference. America will be just one more country standing in line, hat in hand, begging for crumbs."

Yikes! Can you imagine a "globalized" world in 20 years with the Bush twins running the show?

"Here's what it will look like," my horoscope continued -- although I wasn't really sure at this point that I wanted to know. "In 20 years, the world will be extremely polluted -- that's a given -- and there will be the 'Haves' and the 'Have-Nots'. The 'Haves' will drive around in tanks. And the 'Have-Nots' will all walk."

So I guess that my trip to Cleveland is definitely out?