Monday, July 02, 2007

The Bachelor--Baghdad: Why 12 determined women want to marry this man!

Remember that television series called The Bachelor? First there was the Bachelor--Paris. Then there was The Bachelor--Rome. Well, the producers of this show need to seriously consider having next season's episode entitled "The Bachelor--Baghdad". It'd be an instant overnight success. Why? Because the women of Baghdad would go NUTS to be on this show.

I can see the commercial for it now. "Stay tuned for the next exciting season of The Bachelor when we travel to Baghdad to meet 12 beautiful ladies, all competing for the heart of one man." Then the camera pans to 12 of the most beautiful, intelligent, personable, charming women anyone has ever laid eyes on.

Next the camera gives us a close-up of The Bachelor--Baghdad. Yuck! The guy has pimple scars. The guy is a nerd. And what's more, he's missing half an ear and his left foot! What gives? Apparently after all those hunky Middle Eastern guys who looked like Rudolph Valentino in The Sheik, Kaysar from Big Brother All-Stars and Sayid on Lost were killed off by Shock and Awe, by the civil war in Iraq, by various insurgents, militias, religious nuts and local mafia dons and by the "Surge", this guy is practically all that is left. "We tried to find a hottie for this role," said the producer, "but honestly. In all of Iraq, there are almost no men still left alive and in one piece between the age of 13 and 45! Casting was a bitch."

However, what this show may be missing in manly qualities, it more than makes up for in babes. "They have killed off so many of our men over here," morned Fatima, a college graduate with a post-doc in brain surgery and winner of the Miss Congeniality trophy from the latest Miss Universe contest, "that we women are DESPERATE. Our biological clocks are ticking away and there is only one man left for every 25 women in Iraq! Women follow men down the street around here. Even the sperm banks are mobbed. My mother tells me that I HAVE to get married in order to fulfill the customs of my country. But to whom? And how?"

Luckily, The Bachelor--Baghdad is now offering these women some hope that at least one of them will finally find a man. Good for them. Let the games begin. But should we make the ground rules for the women of this show be the same as the ground rules that almost everyone else in Iraq seem to be following? "You are allowed to use torture, depleted uranium, rocket-propelled grenade launchers, Strykers, IEDs, F-16s, beheadings, car bombs, electric drills, Blackhawks, spy drones, knee-capping and sniper attacks, ladies. However, suicide vests will not be allowed." Sorry about that. Sometimes the truth hurts -- but suicide vests are SO hard to accessorize!

I've got a good suggestion. "Everyone needs to stop killing off the young men of the Middle East!" Duh. No more assassinating Palestinians. No more dropping bombs on Afghans. No more shooting at, blowing up and/or beheading Iraqis. Please, guys! Give the women of the Middle East a chance!

And here's a hot recommendation for next season's episode: The Bachelor--China! Join in the excitement as 12 lucky ladies from Baghdad travel to rural western China where the ratio of males to females is rumored to be as high as 100 to one!