The latest development at my housing co-op, which is on the verge of bankruptcy, is that our former "Pirate Capt'n" has just gotten approval from all the other pirates on our Board to allow her to totally re-paint and re-carpet her unit while the rest of us don't get diddly.
Note 2: This here swashbuckling pirate tale is NOT based on reality. It is NOT based on the true story of how Savo Island's current Board of Directors is contemplating evicting my daughter from her unit, allegedly in order to obtain my daughter's unit for themselves. Any resemblance between the two tales is purely co-incidental.
Is the Board trying to evict my daughter for good reason or do they have ulterior motives? Well. That's another story altogether. We will need Captain Jack Sparrow to deal with that one! Right now it's time to spin the infamous tale of --
The Pirates of Savo Island!
Ahoy, mates! At Savo Island cooperative homes, there is treasure to be had! Each of these subsidized units is worth its weight in gold! And everyone on the Pirates' Court appears to be after the bootie.
I myself live in a prime three-bedroom unit and you can bet a whole bottle of rum that the Pirates of Savo Island would love to get their hands on it -- but they can't. Why? Because I have a chest full of Dirty Linen buried away and it's got all these pirates' secrets written all over it in blood!
However, my daughter, the innocent young wench Ashley who has not yet learned how to defend herself from these scourges of the seven seas, has a two-bedroom unit here and the pirates who sit on the dread Pirates' Court think that she is an unprotected vessel and are currently sailing after her with cannons ablaze!
"Avast pirates! Heave to!" Don't you just love to talk like a pirate! "Leave this young maiden alone or you WILL be cut adrift!" The pirates are meeting this Thursday to seal my daughter's fate and try to hand her the dreaded Black Spot but guess what? Here is a message in a bottle for said Pirates' Court: "Don't mess with me and don't mess with my daughter." Yar!
There are 11 people sitting on the Pirates' Court. However, all but three of them must of needs recluse themselves from the court due to conflicts of interest -- they want the bootie! -- or else because they have committed the very same skulduggery they are accusing my daughter of. And they have gotten clean away with it. THEY have not had to face any Pirates' Courts. So far. Arggh.
So. Here's the Dirty Linen that I have on this motley crew:
The Capt'n: He had his girlfriend living with him illegally for at least two years that I know about. Plus, several years ago, said girlfriend was supposed to have moved into the unit currently occupied by the fair Ashley but the girlfriend pulled a bait-and-switch, moved her own daughter in instead and continued to live with the Capt'n. Blimey!
THEN the girlfriend's daughter allegedly had an abusive boyfriend who beat her up regularly, making a whole ocean full of noise -- but nobody tried to evict her. Why? Because she was in cahoots with the Capt'n? Yeah.
The Swabbie: She was the person who originally lived in Ashley's unit for over ten years, was an alcoholic and drug addict and fought with her live-in boyfriend (who probably also wasn't on the lease) constantly, noisily and violently. The police arrived at that unit at least once a month for years and years. But said Swabbie was never evicted.
The Snitch: She was originally moved into HER unit by a former Capt'n, illegally and without even the permission of the Pirates' Court. And yon Snitch has had at least two illegal long-term residents living in her fo'castle -- that I am aware of. Also she has moved into four different units on Savo Island, charging the co-op for their new paint jobs and new rugs. The Snitch also had a violent and loud husband who has threatened neighbors violently and loudly. He is now in the brig. Yet the Snitch was never evicted.
The Snitch's first mate: She lives underdecks from the fair Ashley and complains about my daughter's noise yet she herself had a family of four living with her illegally for almost a year plus she never complained about noise when the Capt'n's relative was living above her. She only complains when the Snitch gives her orders. "Aye aye, Sir!"
The Capt'n's first officer: He also was moved in illegally by a former Capt'n, lives in the unit next to my daughter and has two roommates who are LEGENDARY for their ability to make noise. "All they ever do," I was told," is fight and [make up], fight and [make up]." Sounds like pirate behavior to me. But are they facing eviction? Heck no.
The Capt'n's First Mate: Allegedly, she has had someone living with her illegally for over 12 years. But is she facing eviction? Not her and not her salty dog either.
The Former Capt'n: Arrgh. This here Capt'n has violated Savo's bylaws so many times she is literally a legend on the Bounding Main. Her violations allegedly include forcing an illegal lateral transfer for herself and leaving her daughter behind in the old unit, using her maintenance crew as errand boys, falsifying information regarding the amount of residents in her unit, stalling off the annual elections illegally for three years and costing Savo Island an uncountable treasure in gold coins due to mismanagement -- just to list a few of this surly Capt'ns maneuvers to give the USS HUD the slip and make off with the treasure.
The Former Capt'n's First Mate: She moved her daughter into a two-bedroom unit illegally without asking permission from the Pirate's Court. Then, without the Pirates' Court's permission, she then moved said daughter into a three-bedroom unit. Pirates stealing from pirates? Go her!
The Former Capt'n's Second Mate: She has a vested interest in serving on Pirates Court. She wants young Ashley's unit for HER own daughter. Allegedly. There be sharks in the waters off the coast of Savo Island. Beware!
The Boson: Arrgh! These pirates don't even get along with their fellow pirates! The Snitch has a restraining order against the Boson and the Boson tried to get a restraining order against the Snitch. Plus apparently the Boson moved two of her daughters -- what's with all these pirates having daughters! -- illegally into units and the police were called to her unit at least once a month for YEARS. One time her unit was even surrounded by a SWAT team! Plus she used to grow pot in her back yard and her daughter tried to jump off the roof at one time but nobody tried to evict her. Blimey!
The Boson's Mate: She also has allegedly had illegal residents living with her plus she has lived illegally in a three-bedroom unit for years but whenever she is asked to downsize according to HUD regulations, she always bursts into tears and thus avoids being moved. VERY un-pirate-like behavior if you ask me.
What a motley crew!
So. Mates. Will my daughter be forced to walk the plank by these scurvey denizens of the skull and crossbones? Or will Davey Jones rise up from his Locker and save her from being hurled into the briny deep? Hoist the Jolly Roger! Set your sails. The Pirates of Savo Island are in for a fight! And be aware! Don't ever try to cross swords with me or my family or you WILL be cut adrift.