Saturday, March 05, 2005

Name the world's most ineffectual spy: Austin Powers? Nope. Israel's Mossad!

What "black-ops" operation is the most dangerous one in the world to say bad things about? The CIA? The KGB? Britain's MI-6 gang? James Bond? Austin Powers? The Mafia? Nope. The one secret black-ops undercover organization that I would most hesitate to take on is Israel's dread Mossad. I would have to be crazy to say something bad about them!

Okay. Here goes.

Mossad guys, you suck eggs.

If you're so hot, Mossad, why didn't you detect massive preparations for the 1973 Yom Kippur War? Or was it just another case of "Let it happen" to give you an excuse to snap up Jerusalem at the cost of Israeli lives?

And if you could walk and chew gum at the same time, you would have NOTICED that, during the 1967 Six Day War, the USS Liberty was attacked for 75 minutes in international waters by Israeli aircraft and motor torpedo boats -- and you might possibly have stopped the attack before 34 American sailors died and 172 were wounded. You might even have noticed that, during this attack, THREE consecutive U.S. flags were deliberately shot off their staffs by Israeli firepower. Or, Mossad, was it your deliberate plan to sink the USS Liberty and make it look like Egypt did it? What if that plan had backfired and made your American allies angry? How would that have protected Israel?

And what's with all that faulty intelligence you fed the U.S. regarding Iraq's weapons of mass destruction?

Recently seven people died when a suicide bomber blew up a night club in Tel Aviv. Why would a suicide bomber blow up a night club in Tel Aviv? It doesn't make sense. Unless it was an Israeli Defense Force hangout and the IDF had just shot and killed the bomber's little sister while she was on her way to kindergarten? Mossad claims to be good at these things. Let's ask you to come up with the answers to that one.

And, Mossad guys, since you know everything, would you also investigate who blew up that Lebanese dude? The style of Hariri's demise suspiciously reflects your love of covert assassination (although I must admit the Mafia too is fond of car bombs). A war between Israel and Syria at this point would be a DISASTER for Israel -- but not for Sharon, Bush, and Halliburton. Come on, Mossad. Your job isn't to make money for crooked politicians. Your job is to PROTECT ISRAEL! Get it right this time, you guys. All y'all are lousy at customer service.

I, me, Jane, a low-income single parent living on the other side of the world from Israel can do a better job of protecting Israel than you can!

Give me an Austin-Martin, some James Bond gadgets, the ten billion dollars a year George Bush gives Ariel to buy WMDs and a prom dress and, within the year, I can and will make Israel VERY VERY POPULAR. Even in Mecca.

Look at it this way, Mossad people. Everyone in the Middle East hates Israel's guts because YOU have a nasty foreign policy. What if, for instance, Walmart had a policy like yours? "Shop at Walmart or we will blow you up and steal your land!" NO ONE would shop at Walmart.

The Middle East isn't buying Israel's product at all. Israel needs to fire the Mossad and hire me or Austin Powers. "Chill out, man. It's all groovy!" Or, better yet, hire Martha Stewart.

But even more than antagonizing your Middle Eastern customers, Mossad, you are not serving your Israeli customers either. They keep getting blown up. And now, with your taunts to Iran and Syria, you are endangering your hometown customers even further. Do you actually WANT to stop the bombing in Israel? Or are you just trying to create job insurance?

PS: That idiot in the White House is definitely NOT James Bond material either. Bush has copied the Mossad's failed customer service policy to the letter. It didn't work in Israel. What makes Dubya think that it will generate customers for America?


From "Amy goes to Egypt": "There are five pillars to Islam," our guide told us. "One: The God we all worship -- Christian, Muslim and Jew -- is all the same God; Jehovah from the Old Testament. Second, we give alms to those in need. Third, we pray five times a day. Fourth, we fast during the month of Ramadan. And fifth, we -- oh God, what was number five? I am writing this at 3:45 am so I'm not the sharpest tack in the box. I'm still not sleeping very well. Jihad! Right. No, not THAT Jihad. Jihad doesn’t mean blow stuff up. It means more like conversion by example.