Madame Jane predicts: Bush will take the 2004 election!

It's in the stars. George Bush will take the 2004 election. Get over it. I've seen the future. I've had the dreams. Whether he wins by electoral vote, declares martial law or jimmies the Diebold, Dubya will be our man in the White House for four more years. "The cards do not lie."

Having successfully answered that question, let's move on to other future predictions -- ones that are more vital and more important. What will happen AFTER November 2? Cross my palm with silver! I will tell you all.

Madame Jane says, "Guard your money well. Forget about stocks and bonds. Buy gold and bury it in your basement. You will need it."

Madame Jane predicts, "You got a 14-year-old son or daughter? Send them to military school so they will have a leg up when they get shot at in Iraq." There WILL be a universal draft. "I predict endless war."

Madame Jane sees trouble in your future. "You will lose your job. You will lose your house. You will, however, still have the dog. This is a good thing. He will forage for you in the woods."

Madame Jane gets spiritual. "Ritual death cults will enslave you if you don't watch out. Read your Bible. Pray. Satan disguised as General Boykin and Jimmy Swaggart will be after your soul. Don't be fooled."

Madame Jane tells all. "As Bush's war policies in the Middle East spiral out of control throughout the entire global south, the spillover to our shores will grow and grow. His 'all stick, no carrot' approach to governance will piss billions of people off. America will face its greatest test. House-to-house fighting will be involved. Be prepared."

On the other hand, Madame Jane sees global unity. "Russia, China and the European Union will join Africa, Latin America and the Middle East and kick our butts." But why? Worldwide depression will spur them on.

"But Madame Jane! What can I do to protect myself!" Find romance. Find that special someone who is just right for you. Watch a lot of television while you still can. And party like there's no tomorrow! Because with Bush in the White House, there won't be.

PS: This article is a satire! I'm not Ezekiel and I'm not Cassandra! This doesn't have to happen! We could stop corporate welfare? We could refuse to send our kids to false wars? We could elect leaders who can think and chew gum at the same time! (It doesn't take a professional necromancer to realize that four more years of George Bush's tax-and-spend, shoot-it-if-it-moves policies will completely bankrupt and destroy our country.)