Sunday, May 16, 2004

Who dun it? The mysterious case of Nicholas Berg

I love murder mysteries! And as the Agatha Christie of Berkeley, CA, I am here to help find out who killed Nicholas Berg. My heart bleeds for his parents. It is the least I can do.

So. Who did it? Col. Peacock with the knife in the kitchen? I think not.

What would Sherlock do? "Was it even actually Nicholas Berg?" Can a big man lose that much weight in just two weeks? Maybe his prison guards should open a health spa or write a book. "The South Baghdad Diet." We don't even know if the body belonged to Nicholas Berg. For his parents' sake, I hope not. It's no mystery to me how I would feel if someone did that to a child of mine.

"In my day," said Nancy Drew, "we didn't have Photo Shop." Or computer enhanced images either. "Could this be a cobbled-together fake geared to come out while General Taguba was making his report?" And what is with all those weird clock time changes too.

"What was the motive?" Assuming it was Berg, why was he killed? Was it in order to take our minds off of Abu Ghraib? Mission accomplished. Further, Berg's father was on a right-wing hit list (See The Bushies obviously didn't like him.

"Who had the opportunity?" Who had custody of Berg? The FBI? That's discouraging. Sidebar: What was the FEDERAL Bureau of Investigation doing in Iraq? Aren't they supposed to be here at home chasing bad guys?

What question would Hercule Peroit ask? "What shape was the body in when they found it?" This is an interesting question. "Was it decomposed?" After three weeks, it should have been. If it wasn't, then the culprits probably used that old murder mystery trick of storing the body in the freezer. "Who, in Iraq, had a freezer?" It wasn't the terrorists! Half the time, they don't even have electricity in Baghdad.

Inspector Gadget? If the body was discovered the day of the beheading (what WAS the day of the beheading? I'm all confused), "How was it found so soon?" What with all the other bodies stacked like cordwood in Iraq, how did they even know it was Berg?

"Where was the blood?" Have you watched the video? They hold up the head. No blood comes out. That's weird. That's really weird.

There is a big mystery here. The game is definitely afoot. If this had taken place in a mystery novel, Stephanie Plum would have put on her slut shoes and gotten right to work. Rina Lazarus would have put on her headscarf and checked out the facts -- but only after they got through being sick. That is one sickening video. "If the rebels did it, why would they even release such a film?" Surely they knew it would hurt their cause.

More clues. "What was that plastic chair doing in the picture?" That was an American chair. I have one just like it in my back yard. Does that mean I am a suspect? And who were all those fat guys standing around -- especially if one of those fat guys was what-his-name, the terrorist with his leg blown off. "He could stand around that long?" The fat guys all looked like those pictures of the "contractors" who guard Paul Bremer. I have one word for them. "Weightwatchers." If you're gonna star in a terrorist flick, you gotta look the part. And check out the flack jacket pictures at (courtesy of Detective Maggie at "I Want My Country Back")

And what about those terrible yellow Abu-Ghraib-colored walls in the background? Lula would have been revolted! "Damn skippy I would." Guys, get yourself a decorator.

"In which Middle Eastern country do they behead people?" Not in Iraq. That is a technique most favored by George Bush's pals in Arabia -- the same country that gave us the people who allegedly highjacked the 9-11 planes (and left their passports for evidence too -- but that's another mystery, another book).

So. Who dun it? It's time to assemble everyone in the drawing room. "The murderer of the alleged Nicholas Berg is (dramatic pause) ... you and me." Us? Yes, us. We did it -- by standing by and doing nothing while that criminal George Bush instigated this sickeningly barbaric war -- and for STILL keeping Bush in power despite knowing that he is the antithesis of everything about truth and justice and American goodness that we know in our hearts to be true.