My latest invention: The Kiddie Phone!
I have just invented and patented something called "The Kiddie Phone"™. Know anyone who might want to manufacture it for me? AT&T for instance? Or perhaps MicroSoft? Or the Pentagon?
This amazing new telephone concept is similar in many ways to the actual working cell phones that big people use -- except that it has only two buttons and two buttons only. One button calls Mommie and the other one calls Daddy.
How do little kids use it? That's easy. If, for instance, you are a little kid and want to get picked up early from your play-date because little Mergatroyd won't share, then just press the "Daddy" button.
Or if you are a little kid and you're lonely after your nap and want to talk with someone other than your daycare provider, just press the "Mommie" button.
Or if you are a little kid and you live with your daddy during the week and your mommie on weekends, you can always keep in touch with both parents.
And if you are being kidnapped or molested or are lost or are being bullied or endangered by mad gunmen, just push a button on my hot new invention and you'll instantly be connected with help.
If, however, you are a starving child in Africa or a little kid being shot at by drones in Pakistan or IDF tanks in Palestine or a homeless child in some American ghetto, this phone is not for you. Unfortunately for you, little guys, in the eyes of the powers-that-be -- you don't count. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XID_UuxiGxM
But, in my eyes, every child counts. Why? Because every single child in the world is a dearly-beloved offspring of the Family of Man.
PS: While eating hamburgers with my granddaughter Mena at Phil's Sliders in Berkeley the other day http://www.philssliders.com/, I had a nice chat with a cancer researcher who was eating sliders there too -- and this is what she told me:
"I personally think that we are currently losing the battle against cancer." But why? "Because cancer is basically caused by our very own bodies turning against us -- and, for some unknown reason, this process seems to be escalating in America because something keeps knocking us out of balance." Physically, mentally or emotionally? "Who knows."
Fall-out from Hiroshima, Chernobyl, Fukushima, DU weaponry in the Middle East and nuclear power plants in America perhaps? Yeah, duh.
"Whatever the cause," (and the researcher surprised me by saying that it wasn't necessarily food), "whenever this type of imbalance happens, we get cancer -- a sad-but-true fact. So. What can we do to get our bodies back into balance again? This is an interesting question." Hey, I'm interested. Totally. And, since all of us either have had cancer ourselves, know a lot of people who have recently died of cancer or are currently fighting against it for their lives, then you probably are interested too.
"Apparently our bodies get out of balance when our genome sequencing is adversely affected. And we already know what it looks like when the sequencing is pushed out of balance -- and we researchers even know how to get it back into the right mode again. But there is currently a very big gap between what researchers can do to help out this process and what your local oncologist or cancer center can do."
"You mean," I replied, "that it's like when a doctor looks at an x-ray of a patient's arm and can see whether or not a bone is broken and if so, how to fix it? And that doctors in the future will be able to look at a gene-sequencing 'x-ray' and see which gene is acting up -- and then be able to fix it too?"
"Something like that -- because a cancer is simply a gene that is out of control. However, currently, chemotherapy and radiation treatments nuke not only the out-of-balance gene but also its whole cell and the whole body as well. But with this new gene-specificity, the target we aim for is only the errant gene." Sounds good.
"But right now, even though great research strides are being made against stopping cancer at the gene level, we have yet to find a way to get this type of research into the hands of the front-line cancer fighters, our local oncologists. It would be as if, like doctors everywhere who have already been taught to use bone-x-ray machines and then were given access to these x-ray machines as well, we now need to make these gene-sequencing and repairing mechanisms available on the local level too -- and to train doctors how to use them as well."
Not a bad lecture for the price of a few sliders!
"But I'm not in any way bad-mouthing chemotherapy," continued the researcher over Phil's famous organic salted-caramel milkshakes, "Life is always worth fighting for -- and it's also worth almost dying for during a few months of chemo if this means that you can live for a few years more. And while lots of researchers are now on the right track, it is like I said -- we still have to get this methodology out to the doctors."
Then the researcher brought up another problem with regard to innovative cancer research. "People like Lance Armstrong are willing to try anything to stay alive. Armstrong even took blood transfusions before each race and was willing to try experimental drugs. So why doesn't this information also get trickled down to the local oncologists? Because the information delivery system here is almost medieval. And many doctors' hands are also tied because of fears of malpractice."
PPS: With regard to the many types of blended families here in America these days, you could also program the Kiddie Phone buttons to call whoever is most likely to love and care for said little kids -- such as two Daddies or two Mommies or Grandma and Grandpa or both foster-care providers or even Big Bird and Elmo or Brad and Angelina in a pinch.
What only matters is that the next generation's little darlings (ALL of them) are safe and taken care of.
Advertizements for myself: In these hard times of brutal (and illegal) corporatist ball-busting socialism-for-the-rich-only, I am doing whatever I can to make a spare dollar. Here are some of my current alternate-economy schemes that never seem to work -- but I keep hoping!
https://www.wepay.com/donations/going-to-a-vodou-cave-in-haiti And if this link doesn't work, please just cut and paste. Thanks.
And if anyone ever wants to hire me on as a travel writer, "Have laptop, will travel!"
Need someone to help you throw out stuff? I'm really good at deciding what needs to be thrown out (starting with all those corporate-owned bums in Washington!)
Need an actor to play an older woman in your movie? Then I'm your man! I can portray all kinds of older women -- from judges, business execs and other insane zombies to bag ladies, cancer patients, kindly grandmothers and dying patients in rest homes. I've played them all. So send me a script and let's do this. Hollywood, here we come!
Are you a plaintiffs' attorney who is tired of writing those pesky personal injury settlement briefs all the time? No problem! I can write them for you. Years of experience. And pay me only if you win the case.
I recently got my Notary Public commission!
Need a Notary Public? Have seal, will travel. E-mail me at email@example.com and I'll stamp your document, make it official and only charge $10. Of course if you live outside of Berkeley, I may have to charge travel expenses -- but am well worth it!
I also wrote a book about going on Hajj (also included as a chapter in "Bring Your Own Flak Jacket," but this book is cheaper -- but it's worth buying them both!) My book on the Hajj is so outstanding that I bet even Christian fundamentalists will love it! Please buy it here: http://www.amazon.com/Mecca-Hajj-Lessons-Islamic-School/dp/0978615700/ref=cm_rdp_product
"Imagine a world where EVERY child is wanted, nurtured, protected and loved: World peace in one generation!" You can now buy T-shirts, coffee mugs, tote bags, truckers' caps, baby gear and/or teddy bears with this logo printed on them. They make great gifts, especially for parents and teachers. To purchase, just click here: http://www.cafepress.com/StillTWaters
"Life is a competition. The winners are the ones who do the most good deeds." You can also buy T-shirts, coffee mugs, tote bags, truckers' caps, baby gear and/or teddy bears with this logo printed on them. They make great gifts, especially for those of us who are still idealists in these troubled times. To purchase, just click here: http://www.cafepress.com/StillTWaters