"Dear Madam Jane: My daughter has grown up to be trailer trash..."

Well it looks like Madam Jane has now gotten into the advice-to-the-lovelorn business. She just showed me these new letters from her fans:

Dear Madam Jane:

My daughter has grown up to be trailer trash. What can I do? As she drove by me today in her car, she stuck her head out the window, gave me the finger and screeched "F*ck you!" like a barbarian. She also seems to lie at the drop of a hat. What can I do? Where did I go wrong?

Signed, Perturbed

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Dear Perturbed:

First of all, it sounds like you are falsely maligning trailer trash here.

Second, you need to be aware that having children is the luck of the draw. You do the best you can to raise them and sometimes they just turn out bad, no matter what you do. Just forget about her and move on. The best revenge? Live a good life, do the best you can to make this world a better place, go to Heaven when you die, have a great funeral and don't invite HER.

Signed, Madam Jane

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Dear Madam Jane:

I am the president of a relatively large super-power and am being bossed around at work by corporate lobbyists and special-interest groups. In addition, my country looks like it might be going bankrupt in the near future. Either way, I am starting to worry that I might be losing my job. What should I do?

Signed, First Fired

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Dear First Fired:

Perhaps it is time to either stand up for your principles or else start looking around for a new job. I hear that Haiti is looking for a new president -- but I think they are looking for someone who can rap. Also, be aware that as your country goes deeper and deeper into recession, it can no longer afford any more wars -- no matter what the bosses tell you. Start trying to persuade people to downsize. Or else your country will be screwed.

Signed, Madam Jane

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If you want Madam Jane to give you good advice too, just treat her to a trip to Hawaii (or perhaps a jelly doughnut) and she will tell all!