• "Birth control kills babies!": My recent trip to Planned Parenthood....

(photos are of the Planned Parenthood motto, that spooky old dude from the movie Poltergeist and an old "People's Park" issue of the Berkeley Barb from 40 years ago and featuring my, er, breasts)

My breasts were sore. There, I've said it. Is this a sign of cancer or not? There's only one way to find out -- go get a checkup. Apparently Planed Parenthood now offers primary care services as well as birth control advice and the A-word. So I went there.

As I drove into the Planned Parenthood parking lot for my checkup, I saw a lone man dressed in black standing on the sidewalk next to its entrance (anti-abortion people aren't allowed on Planned Parenthood property any more because they keep trying to kill doctors in order to save lives). This guy was tall and creepy-eyed and looked like one of those spooky old dudes in horror movies who are always telling teenagers, "You're all sinners! You're all going to die!" just before he buries them alive.

Obviously I just HAD to go up and talk to him.

"Abortion is murder!" he cried.

"So was Bush's illegal war on Iraq," I enjoined.

"Do you know how many babies have been murdered by abortion since 1973?"

"As many as the number of people who have been murdered in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Lebanon, Israel and Gaza due to the inept inability of Republicans to understand that bombing the crap out of Middle Easterners regularly since the days of Dwight Eisenhower just isn't gonna make America safe?"

"Over ten million," said the spooky old dude. Hmmm. That may or may not trump the Republican body count in the Middle East.

Just then, however, a young woman walked past us and the spooky old dude began begging her not to get an abortion. "I'm just here for birth control pills," she replied.

The SOD then pulled himself up to his full height and announced in sepulchral tones, "Birth control kills babies."

After my encounter with the spooky old dude in the Planned Parenthood parking lot, having a breast checkup and pelvic exam was a cakewalk.

PS: This reminds me of a joke that is currently going around the internet. "Why did the woman cross the road?" you are asked, but then a Republican replies, "That's not the question! The real question is, 'What was that woman doing out of the kitchen!'" Ladies, don't let ANYONE take away your birth control pills.

PPS: Talk about your hypocrites! The very same people who are constantly ranting away on the right-wing talk shows about not getting abortions -- they are now ranting on and on about that mother of the recently-born octuplets and how she is a horrible person for giving birth to her babies. Hey, guys! Think about it. Just what, exactly, was her alternative?