Saturday, December 09, 2006

Putting America in peril: The deadly Toilet Bomb

Now that I've got your attention, you are probably asking, "Jane, what the freak is a toilet bomb?" Aha! You'll have to read through the rest of this story to find out.

Before I talk about the dangers of toilets, I want to talk about the dangers of sugar. Remember when we NEVER used to see ANYBODY weighing over 300 pounds? Maybe there was the fat lady in the circus but that was about it. Now you see 300-pound people everywhere. Every day. They are as much a part of American life as tattoos or redheads.

At Disneyland last month, I was truly dismayed. With my own eyes, I saw at least ten TEENAGERS who were so overweight that they couldn't even walk by themselves and needed to be shuttled around in carts.

What to do about it? I haven't a clue. Can I myself resist sugar and transfats? Not on your life! You shoulda seen me at the office Christmas party last week -- cake in one hand, chocolate ice cream in the other hand and mouth full of Santa Claus cookies while I went off in search of the eggnog. I had a sugar hangover for the next three days. And did I learn something from this experience? Hell, no. I'm ready for more!

You are much much much more likely to die from illnesses brought on by the consumption of excess sugar and transfats than you are from a terrorist attack. Furthemore, one can resist terrorist attacks. But who can resist sugar? Certainly not me. The holiday season is just starting and I've already gained seven pounds.

Okay. Here's where we finally come to the part about the toilet bomb. Recently I was reading an e-mail from with reference to that Russian spy with the unpronounceable name who had a particle of radioactive material -- I think it was plutonium -- slipped into his sushi. Which made me start to wonder, "Is plutonium that plentiful and that transportable?" If it is, then some terrorist could easily buy up some plutonium, drop it down some anonymous toilet, jiggle the handle and effortlessly irradiate an entire city's sewage system. "Flushed away!"

Would we then be required to show two forms of photo ID and go through a scanner every time we needed to go to the bathroom?

If I was a terrorist -- which I am not because I strongly believe that taking the life of a fellow human being is the absolute lowest thing anyone can do and is especially loathsome when done under the guise of "capital punishment" or "war" -- I'd use an even better way to kill off Americans! I'd stop wasting money stockpiling plutonium and start buying up sugar-coated breakfast cereal commercials aimed at children instead. Soon this diabolical terrorist plot would be killing off American kids right and left, but no one would even notice, no one would even care -- and I would never get caught!