Tuesday, December 20, 2005

What Jordan and GWB have in common: Power and ulterior motives?

I'm tired of writing about Dubya, Condi, Rummie and Dick. How many different ways can one say that our country has been turned into one massive yard sale so that GWB's cronies can cart off everything that's not nailed down -- and everything that IS nailed down too -- for cheap while "We The People" are not even allowed to attend the sale of our own stuff.

I personally have written over 350 essays on how America is being reemed by the Bush bureaucrats. The internet CRAWLS with facts and statistics backing up my claims -- yet somehow those gangsters in the White House still manage to convince an all-too-large number of gullible Americans that the Bush Mafia family is wonderful, that America is having no trouble and that anything you hear to the contrary is just spiteful lies made up by us worthless bleeding-heart liberals who are merely jealous of their great success.

Yeah, right.

Like thousands of us disgruntled liars just sat down and made up all that stuff up about Dubya, Condi, Rummie and Dick -- stuff like the failure to share their knowledge of a possible attack on America in September of 2001, the fiasco in Iraq, the loser economy, the Katrina FEMA disaster, welfare for the rich, vets, children and seniors being treated like sheep dookie, the national parks give-away, the US-occupied Afghanistan record-breaking opium crops, Osama bin Forgotten, Enron, vote fraud and on and on and on? Like we could even CONCEIVE of all that ineptness and corruption. Like even Michael Moore could dream all that stuff up?

Or else there is the other possibility, as Jane Smiley told us recently, that us liberals are NOT lying and the Bush "government" really IS fouling up -- but they are doing it ON PURPOSE! "The Bushies have a pattern and they stick to it in spite of every apparent reason to change course.... Let’s take a look at the 'mistakes' the Bush administration is said to have made, and, instead, ask ourselves if they are actually realized intentions" -- deeds done on the sly so that what happened in the New Russia and the New China can happen here too. So that in the confusion of a once-great country's disintegration, Dubya's giant American yard sale can be held.

Hey, didn't that Arctic oil supply that I just saw being hauled away in the back of Dickie's pick-up truck used to belong to us? Isn't that OUR army that just got sold for pennies on the dollar to Rummie? Didn't WE used to own Fort Knox?

Or the Bush bureaucracy might be destroying our country simply for the power it gives them. Knowing them, that would make perfect sense -- that they would rather be kings of a devastated America than preside over a thriving republic where "just a piece of paper" like the Constitution ties their hands.

In any case, I am rock-bottom bored with constantly having to spend my valuable time writing about the antics of Bush's carpetbaggers and sadists -- so I thought I'd take a break and write about my second-most favorite dysfunctional family for a change. That would be the family of my daughter's friend Jordan whose life sort of resembles "Malcolm in the Middle" combined with "Veronica Mars".

For those of you who are just tuning in to "The Bizarre Adventures of Jordan," here is the gist of the story so far: Immediately after Jordan and his brother Nathan were adopted, their new mom was forced give up being a drunk when her liver failed. Then the father went into anger management meltdown and started hitting the kids. Then the parents filed for divorce. THEN they reconciled. Then the boys were shipped off to some boarding school for abused children that was run by a child abuser too. Then when the boys came home from that, Nathan tried to protect Jordan and as a result spent the next four years trudging through the brat camps of Utah, California and Colorado. And all this time, the parents called the cops on their kids like they considered the police to be their own personal "Nanny 911".

So here's the latest episode. And trust me, this one does not disappoint!

When we last left young Jordan, he had just run away from his "behavior modification program" in Montana, went back to his parents' home on Wisteria Lane, got thrown out into the street by said parents and came to stay with us. I bet you are thinking, "Now that Jane's in a postition to help, this soap opera is finally going to have a happy ending," right?


After five happy months of staying at our house, Jordan moved back in with his cop-calling, brat-camp-addicted, dysfunctional parents. Why? It seems that young Jordan had also become addicted to living in a soap opera and, frankly, life with us was too calm.

Since Jordan went back to his parents' house, he's been in hog heaven. The police have visited there four different times. The emergency mobile mental health crisis unit has been there twice. The child protective services have done an in-depth study of this normal middle-class American family. There have also been visits from a social worker, two sets of lawyers and a shrink. The household is like a big circus. The brother cusses. The father rages. The mother sobs.

Jordan feels right at home.

But wait. It gets even better. When our Nathan -- after four years in brat camps, this kid hasn't a CLUE about how to behave -- took the family car to go see his girlfriend, the father called the cops and Nathan ended up spending Thanksgiving in juvenile hall. So. There's Nathan, back home with the toxic combination of his volatile parents and an electronic monitoring device keeping him on Wisteria Lane 24/7 -- a toxic combination guaranteed to create havoc. And it did. Nathan got into an argument with the mom and she BIT him.

I swear. This stuff actually happened. I did NOT steal this plot off an episode of "Desperate Housewives" -- or even a White House press conference!

Then what happened? The parents called the cops. Again. You shoulda been there when the cops (and the emergency mobile crisis unit) arrived. Nathan started shouting, "The bitch BIT me!" The crisis unit started screaming that Nathan was lying and how could he say that about his poor sweet parents. And the cops just stood there and shook their heads.

So. Now everyone is happy. The whole family is living the life they are used to. "But," you may ask, "what will happen next?" That's easy to guess. Just ask a cop. Half the local police force knows that, with Nathan forced to stay in that volatile situation by a well-meaning but clueless probation officer, the chances are good that the up-coming holidays could involve a possible homicide attempt (or at least major mayhem) on peaceful, Christmas-tree-light-festooned Wisteria Lane.

Down at the local police precinct, the beat officers are actually running a betting pool on who in that family will draw first blood before New Year. Place your bets early, folks. The odds are on Nathan but the mom's odds are looking good too.

Bottom line: l now avoid Wisteria Lane like the plague -- and I advise the cops to do likewise. If your 911 button lights up involving that address on Christmas, guys, just ignore it and keep passing the egg nog!

PS: Now that I think about it, there are clear correlations between the White House fiasco and the fiasco on Wisteria Lane: Dubya's dysfunctional family has ulterior motives disguised as "Patriotism" and an uncontrolled drive for power -- and soap opera. Jordan's dysfunctional family also has ulterior motives disguised as "Good Parenting" and an uncontrolled drive for power -- and soap opera.

PPS: There is actually another episode of "Brat Camp" being produced for next season and this time it takes place at Aspen Achievement Academy, one of the several brat camps that Jordan was forced to attend. Sorry, guys, he's not in this episode. Maybe next time?

I only wish that they would do an episode of "Brat Camp" where Dubya, Condi, Rummy and Dick are the campers. And the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary Achievement Academy sounds like a great place to film it.